A Few Missed Days

I haven't posted for a few days now and I expect these occasions to be a bit sparse in the coming weeks. Since my girlfriend came home, I get very little time alone on the pc with it being in the living room and I'm not ready for her to know about this yet. She currently upstairs, but I'll come to that in a while.

Things have been good since the last time I wrote, I've even managed to go the last 8 days without a cigarette, possibly the longest any of my quitting attempts has lasted. I think that being off work, and hence avoiding the associated stress, has helped with this. Whether or not it will last remains to be seen, but so far, so good.

I spoke with my girlfriend a few days ago about all the issues I was struggling with. She didn't make me any promises about anything, but did seem to listen and understand. I told her in detail about how the depression was making me feel and of all the negative thoughts and doubts that enter my head. I told her that I'd contacted the guy in Japan and how it was making me feel with her still in touch with him. I told her about my plans to buy her a laptop, how she could help me fight my current battle and what it would mean to me if she did.

It felt positive overall. She didn't get angry like I was expecting and I truly got the sense that she was there for me and that, somewhere, she realised just how much she was hurting me. We talked for a long time, at least 2 hours, and we were both tired by the end. It was a good feeling coming out of that the same way as we went into it however...in each others arms.

Now, I'm not sure if anything changed, if she really listened. We argued earlier, well sort of at least. I'm not sure what it was to be honest. She claims I said something in a nasty way and if I did, which I don't recall, it wasn't intentional on my part. Afterwards, she was acting moody and I thought it was an act she sometimes puts on, so I was being playful until she snapped at me, calling me something hurtful. I left the room for a while in tears before coming back and taking my mind of it at the computer. After an hour or so, I started getting upset again and went upstairs to lay on the bed. I was there over an hour, crying on and off. She never said anything to me, never checking if I was ok.

When I came downstairs, she was happily emailing someone and, I have to admit, I got a bit frustrated and snapped at her as I'd left my mouse charging. I tried to talk to her after that, but it hasn't gone well. It's my fault, as usual, and she won't consider the fact that she's hurt me again or that maybe it would have been nice for her to apologise first for a change. Whenever we argue, it's always me that has to initiate an apology, even though, half the time, I don't know what the argument was about or why she got upset. It seems like it's always me putting in the thought.

I mentioned that to her just now and got a very snide reaction that she "did think about me". There was practically a sneer on her face when she said it, which was both upsetting and alarming to see. She claims she meant nothing by it, but no-one says something that way without an underlying meaning.

So, now she's upstairs at my request so I could write this. She'll be back down soon and I don't know what she'll say, if anything. I suspect we'll be in silence all night, or at least most of it. I want a smoke more now than anytime in the last 8 days but, most of all, I want her to appreciate how she's making me feel for once. I won't hold my breath.

Back Home

We've been home now for about 4 hours and I'm not really sure how I'm feeling at the moment. A bit more relaxed, yes, but I still have so many questions that are unanswered.

I had a long wait at the airport and little to do during that time but think and dwell on the issues that I've been struggling with the last few days. It didn't make anything clearer, probably just got me more confused and anxious, but I couldn't take me mind away from them. She did look happy to see me however and talked constantly on the way home about her time on the ship.

Since we got back, we've been relaxing and chatting. Gift giving was done and everything feels OK. It's the underlying issues that are, or could be, the problem though and these haven't been spoken of. I briefly mentioned her birthday present and that I needed to speak to her about it at some point, but I've no idea when I'll bring that up. Too much baggage will come with it for it to be a sensible move at the moment. I just want to enjoy today as much as I possibly can and then take it from there.

She's taking a nap at the moment, after being awake for over 24 hours. Prior experience tells me that she'll be moving again in an hour or two and I hope that when she wakes, we'll continue to have a good evening. I still don't know what's going to happen overall, but I am always amazed by the effect she has on me. Just being around her helps me relax, to feel more positive, to be happier. It may not last, but right now I'll take any break I can from the feelings I've been accustomed to over the last 3 weeks.

The Last Stretch

Only half an hour until I go now.

I've done all I can to make her return a happy one. I've got the Sunday papers she reads, snacks and a drink she likes in the car. I've decorated the bathroom and landing/stairs for her, have a welcome home present sat on the sofa and the house is spotless. I've stocked up on food and drink she likes for the next week and she'll be having a huge steak cooked for her tonight. I still don't feel it's enough.

I'm now feeling terrified of setting off. I want to see her again so badly, but I'm so scared of what the future might bring. I've spent the last year and a half dreaming of my future with her and now I'm at a point where I can see that genuinely falling apart. To face the prospect of seeing your dreams destroyed before your eyes is something I never dreamed I'd go through and if I could find a way to avoid having to face that, I would.

I've never needed a hug as badly as I do now, just someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I doubt I'd believe it, but it would help, just a little, and that's all I need right now. To live without hope feels like dying inside, you lose all sense of who you are, your identity and value as a person, stripped away to nothingness. I don't know whether all this hinges on her or not, maybe it's just in my head that it does. It really doesn't matter however, as my head is where I'm fighting what feels to be a losing battle.

I probably shouldn't even be considering driving in my current state, but I have no choice. I can't leave her waiting at the airport, I don't want to leave her waiting there. I'm fed up of the contradictions in my head though...I want her home as soon as possible, but I want to delay it in case things go wrong.

I'm back to questioning my sense of worth again, my life as it is now. Do I really want to go on? I feel like the last piece of who I am is within my girlfriends palm and some point soon she'll either allow it grow again, or crush it.

Time's up, got to go...

To the Airport

It's an hour and a half until I set off to pick up my girlfriend. I should be happy, glad that she'll be back with me, but in truth I've been awake most of the night crying and am finding it hard to stop even now.

I'm feeling very anxious. I don't know what's going to happen when I see her, if she'll be pleased to see me or distant like she was when I met her Japan. I'm also struggling with my feelings that she doesn't care. I feel surrounded by darkness and it scares me more than I can describe. The only light I had to guide me out of this seems to be vanishing and I'm afraid that it will soon disappear.

I need to know the truth as to whether she cares anything for me or not, whether she has any respect left for me and if she is serious about trying to fix things between us. I can't go on feeling that she's only telling me what I want to hear, the doubt are going to destroy what's left of me. I already feel that the main areas of my life are out of my control and now I feel that what control I have over myself, who I am, is rapidly vanishing too.

I can only pray at this point that I feel better when I see her, that she does greet me with warmth and caring, that I do mean something to her and that I see that in her eyes. If I still feel as I do now by the end of the day, I'm afraid I'll have to talk to her about all of this, about my feelings. I suspect that will lead to her getting angry, which won't help the way I feel. I don't want to cause an argument between us, but I can't go on any longer with this eating me away from the inside. I also believe at the moment that, if we do argue, she'll tell me what I don't want to hear, that everything I've been trying to do for her, everything I have done, has been a waste of time. That she thinks I'm worthless.

I hope I'm wrong as I feel I'm clutching to my last chance of saving myself...

The Next Four Weeks

I've just had my appointment at the doctors and it went relatively well. She hadn't heard from my counsellor yet, but discussed with me how I felt about work and the thought of being on medication.

I've never felt comfortable with the idea of anti-depressants. I want to be sure that I'm feeling happy because I am improving, not because of some drug I'm taking. My doctor assured me that this wouldn't be the case, that the drugs simply help lift you out of the depression, but that they're useless without effort on my part. It would be a long stretch however, 3 months for the drugs to start having some effect then a further 6 to 9 months of me working at improving things before I could risk coming of them. If I stop early, then I risk sinking into a worse depression than I'm in at the moment.

I'm going to think about it for the time being. I want to see how I am after my girlfriend returns and talk things through with my counsellor first. I may feel that I don't need drugs while she's around, but then if she leaves to go abroad again in 6 weeks, that could change again.

I've also been signed off work for another 4 weeks and have another appointment to see my doctor at that time. Over that period, I need to decide about the medication and discuss my problems with work. I can call the doctors and arrange to go on anti-depressants at any time if I decide to go ahead with that. I'm not sure what to do about work though.

My doctor wants me to contact the relevant members of staff and discuss with them the issues surrounding me being off work and what they can do to help me return. The problem is, that I've already discussed these issues with my seniors at work and got nothing but more grief and hassle for my troubles. I don't know who else to go to there and I suspect I'll get similar responses regardless. I think my only option will be someone in Human Resources. I don't know any of the staff there, nor if they can help, but as I have to send my sick note to them, I may attach a letter asking them to contact me regarding my absence. It's all I can think of.

It feels like I have mountains to climb. Decisions aren't the easiest thing to make at the moment due to the lack of focus I currently have. I'm not sure what I'll do yet, but I will be thinking about it.

I'm still waiting to hear from my girlfriend, although she usually mails between 3 and 4pm, still an hour away.

First Thoughts of Christmas

I've been thinking about Christmas a lot this evening. It may still be a few weeks away, but I'm dreading it already. I don't usually get excited about Christmas, I'm not religious in the slightest and huge family 'get togethers' have never really appealed. This year however, rather than the usual passive feelings I have, I just don't want it to happen.

It's the first Christmas since my father died and I know it's going to be hard. Not just on me, but on my entire family, especially my mother. She's going to need everyone around her and I'll have to visit on the day. I don't begrudge that, but I don't want to go through it either.

I've mentioned before about being the eldest and how I feel responsible in that position. I feel I need to hold myself together and get through the day being strong for my mum. She's going to be upset, we all will be, but with my current problems on top, I fear that I won't be able to cope with what the day throws at me.

I'm hoping my girlfriend will be at my side. That would make it easier, knowing there was a shoulder I feel I could cry on if needed. We've not spoken about it in depth yet, but I have mentioned to her before that I need to be with my family and I want her to be there with me. I don't know how she feels about it yet, but I hope she'll agree. She not sociable and I know she'd prefer not to go regardless of the circumstance. What I'd like, is for her to put her feelings aside and come along for me, to be there for me, however uncomfortable she may feel about it.

For all I know, she could have that plan already and I'm not about to jump to conclusions at this point, not on this subject. If the time comes and she decides not to come, I'll go anyway, I have to. I'd be disappointed though. Disappointed and hurt.

I've not heard from her today, I've no idea why. The cruise ship she's on has a web cam, which I look at occasionally to see where she is. It makes me feel a little closer to her while she's gone and, knowing that she suffers from sea sickness, I do worry about her when the ship isn't docked. It's still quite early in the evening there now, maybe 7.30pm to my 11.30pm and I expect I'll be up a while longer in the hope that she'll write. She may not have had a chance during the day and I do sometimes get emails around 1am from her. I miss it when I don't hear from her though. The emails, however much I've criticised in previous posts, do cheer me up and I sleep better having read them. When I don't hear from her, I find it hard to settle, checking my mails at least once an hour to see if she's sent anything. I'm trying not to let the thoughts into my head. I'm telling myself she just hasn't had a chance to write, probably due to no Internet access or her sea sickness. It doesn't help much, but it's all I have. I miss her badly enough when she does write. When she doesn't, it feels unbearable.

A Week's Worth of Thinking

I had my weekly counselling session this afternoon. They're never easy, having to talk about the things that are most painful to me, but they do help. I often come away with more questions than answers, but I feel they're leading me in the right direction, to a place where things make sense.

My counsellor is a very nice man, quietly spoken and very unassuming. He doesn't tell me what to think, what's right or wrong about how I'm feeling. He listens and he asks questions.

We often cover the same subjects during these sessions. Not necessarily from the same angle, but the same notions and today was no exception. We talked a lot about how I was feeling at the moment and have been over the last week, what I was thinking about everything and about how hard I'm finding it to make sense of everything. I explained about my confusion over matters, that no matter what happens that makes me happy, I eventually start tearing it apart, seeing negatives everywhere and doubting what I see and hear. The only things I believe for certain at the moment are the bad things. Those, I know I can trust.

My girlfriend, as usual, was the main topic of conversation. I want to be able to trust her and believe what she tells me, but after all the lies and deception, I'm not sure what to think anymore. When she does something nice or thoughtful, I doubt her reasons for it. I get no feedback from her on how she feels about me, or our relationship, without asking for it and after the lies, I now find myself wondering if she's telling me the truth, or just what I want to hear. I can't see that changing until I know she's being honest with me and I don't know how to find out without asking her. Catch 22.

I think I mentioned before that I was planning on buying her a new laptop for her birthday. I'm not particularly well off and it would normally be beyond my price range to do that. I have some money coming in soon however, not a huge amount, just a few hundred. It's effectively a gift from my dad, a portion of his pension payout to my mum after his death. I was going to put it towards a new HD TV for myself, but had made up my mind about buying the laptop instead because I knew it would make my girlfriend happy. Now, I'm not so sure it's a good idea.

I still want to buy it her, I know that much, but I'm just full of doubts if it's a sensible thing to do. The first two reasons are purely selfish. Firstly, that she's stated she doesn't really want to go away again without one and, secondly, that if she used that to contact the guy in Japan, it would feel like a kick in the teeth. I couldn't cope with that.

There are other reason too, although they do somewhat relate to the above. My session got me thinking about all the things I do for her to make her happy, then what she does for me. If I'm honest about the way I feel, the answer to the latter is 'not a lot'. It doesn't seem like she gives my happiness much thought. She used to, but not anymore. I still feel that the guy in Japan is to blame for this, that because she's holding on to him her feelings for me are not developing. I still struggle to understand why she's continuing to contact him when I think it's clear to her that stopping that would make be the one thing she could for me that would make me very happy. It wouldn't solve all our problems in one go, but it's a huge step in the right direction. Ultimately, while she continues to email him, I won't feel that she's truly interested in me, in fixing our relationship.

I want to talk to her about this, find out if she genuinely does understand how it makes me feel. I don't want us to fight though and I know if I bring it up, it will make her mad. What else can I do but suffer in silence?

All this may pass once she's back, once I can pick up the visual clues as to how she feels. It's one of the problems of being apart, not being able see body language. Communication through emails is too impersonal...it's too easy to lie.