I've been depressed now for around 4 months. There have been days over that time when I've felt ok, even happy on occasion, but they have been the exception rather than the norm. I don't have a history of depression. Sure, I've felt down before, but always for specific reasons and I've always known it would pass with time. Unfortunately, that is not the case this time. I'm not saying it won't pass, but I can't see an end in sight. I suppose I should be thankful that I have had some better days. I read that some forms of depression affect the sufferer every day of their lives. How they cope with that, I'll never know.
Before I began suffering from depression myself, I never really understood how people could get so down that they couldn't cope with their everyday lives. It seemed odd to me that it could be something so serious. Everyone has problems and I've never been in any doubt, even now, that there are people worse off than me. The thing is, it really doesn't matter. When you're suffering like this, all common sense goes out of the window and everything you do requires a lot more effort, leaving you physically and emotionally drained.
I've never felt so alone as I do now. It seems ridiculous, as I'm not alone. I have a girlfriend who I've been with for 3 years now, a family and friends. They're people I care about and who care about me. Yet, still, I don't feel I have anyone to turn to, no-one who can understand what I'm going through or how bad I feel. This is the common sense issue right there. The feelings I have always over-ride everything else. No matter what I tell myself, I still feel alone and that feeling of isolation is terrifying.
I find it hard to keep control of my emotions at the moment. I cry around 6-10 times a day, sometimes it lasts a few minutes, other times a full hour or more. There's no pattern, no one thing that sets me off. It could be a thought or a memory, but many times it just happens for no reason. I have problems trying to find anything positive in my life right now, anything to look forward to or be happy about. The good things seem to turn bad, or things will go wrong, taking them away and leaving me feeling worse. How much of this is in my head, I don't know. Trying to make sense of things, trying to feel positive, these are things that I feel incapable of doing...and I have tried.
Along with these issues, or perhaps because of them, I'm suffering from insomnia and a loss of appetite. My nights are spent laying awake for hours, then, when I finally do fall asleep, I wake regularly. My appetite comes and goes. Over the last week, I've hardly eaten at all. One small meal a day at most and even then I've had to force it down. A couple of days I haven't eaten at all, I wanted to, but couldn't bring myself to actually eat. Prior to this, I was eating well. The combination of these two has left me completely drained.
I have little energy or passion for anything anymore. Things I used to enjoy now seem mundane and I struggle to focus on anything for more than half an hour at a time. There's a sense of restlessness and anxiety that seems to stop me doing what I want. Some days I just sit around idly, trying to entertain myself but getting bored and restless with whatever I try. I want to focus on things, anything to take my mind off everything, to enjoy myself, but nothing seems to work.
All this has left me at a stage where I no longer know what to do, or how to escape the trap I feel myself in. I'm trying several things to help but, so far, I feel I have made little progress. I was on medication, Sinepin, but this had little to no effect on my moods. I'm now off that, waiting for my next doctors appointment in a week, where I'll be starting something new. I've also been attending weekly counselling sessions, which are currently ongoing.
I'm starting to feel desperate now. I want my life back together. I hate the lack of control I have over everything in my life. I don't feel I have anyone to turn to, or that anyone really cares, regardless of what they tell me. I feel worthless and unloved. I'm not sure I've been suicidal, at least not to the point of thinking about how, or when, to kill myself. I don't want to die. However, I do find myself regularly overcome with feelings that I would be better off dead, that it would be end to this suffering and that no-one would really miss me if I was gone. It scares me when I think like that, but it's not something I can shake.
Currently, I'm on my own at home. My girlfriend, with whom I share a house, is teaching abroad. She's been gone 2 weeks now and is due back in a little over a week. I haven't heard from her in 3 days due to problems she has with internet/phone access on the ship she's working on. I don't think this has helped me, however much I appreciate it being difficult for her to get in touch. She's the one thing that I find still gives me strength. I'm not sure she fully understands what I'm going through and sometimes she seems uninterested, but I love her. Tomorrow is her birthday and I'm hoping she'll get a chance to phone. I think that would help me get through the next week without her.
My words so far seem messy. I know there's a lot I wanted to cover that I haven't touched on, but there will be other opportunities for that. Writing this has been hard, so many painful memories and thoughts.
Before I began suffering from depression myself, I never really understood how people could get so down that they couldn't cope with their everyday lives. It seemed odd to me that it could be something so serious. Everyone has problems and I've never been in any doubt, even now, that there are people worse off than me. The thing is, it really doesn't matter. When you're suffering like this, all common sense goes out of the window and everything you do requires a lot more effort, leaving you physically and emotionally drained.
I've never felt so alone as I do now. It seems ridiculous, as I'm not alone. I have a girlfriend who I've been with for 3 years now, a family and friends. They're people I care about and who care about me. Yet, still, I don't feel I have anyone to turn to, no-one who can understand what I'm going through or how bad I feel. This is the common sense issue right there. The feelings I have always over-ride everything else. No matter what I tell myself, I still feel alone and that feeling of isolation is terrifying.
I find it hard to keep control of my emotions at the moment. I cry around 6-10 times a day, sometimes it lasts a few minutes, other times a full hour or more. There's no pattern, no one thing that sets me off. It could be a thought or a memory, but many times it just happens for no reason. I have problems trying to find anything positive in my life right now, anything to look forward to or be happy about. The good things seem to turn bad, or things will go wrong, taking them away and leaving me feeling worse. How much of this is in my head, I don't know. Trying to make sense of things, trying to feel positive, these are things that I feel incapable of doing...and I have tried.
Along with these issues, or perhaps because of them, I'm suffering from insomnia and a loss of appetite. My nights are spent laying awake for hours, then, when I finally do fall asleep, I wake regularly. My appetite comes and goes. Over the last week, I've hardly eaten at all. One small meal a day at most and even then I've had to force it down. A couple of days I haven't eaten at all, I wanted to, but couldn't bring myself to actually eat. Prior to this, I was eating well. The combination of these two has left me completely drained.
I have little energy or passion for anything anymore. Things I used to enjoy now seem mundane and I struggle to focus on anything for more than half an hour at a time. There's a sense of restlessness and anxiety that seems to stop me doing what I want. Some days I just sit around idly, trying to entertain myself but getting bored and restless with whatever I try. I want to focus on things, anything to take my mind off everything, to enjoy myself, but nothing seems to work.
All this has left me at a stage where I no longer know what to do, or how to escape the trap I feel myself in. I'm trying several things to help but, so far, I feel I have made little progress. I was on medication, Sinepin, but this had little to no effect on my moods. I'm now off that, waiting for my next doctors appointment in a week, where I'll be starting something new. I've also been attending weekly counselling sessions, which are currently ongoing.
I'm starting to feel desperate now. I want my life back together. I hate the lack of control I have over everything in my life. I don't feel I have anyone to turn to, or that anyone really cares, regardless of what they tell me. I feel worthless and unloved. I'm not sure I've been suicidal, at least not to the point of thinking about how, or when, to kill myself. I don't want to die. However, I do find myself regularly overcome with feelings that I would be better off dead, that it would be end to this suffering and that no-one would really miss me if I was gone. It scares me when I think like that, but it's not something I can shake.
Currently, I'm on my own at home. My girlfriend, with whom I share a house, is teaching abroad. She's been gone 2 weeks now and is due back in a little over a week. I haven't heard from her in 3 days due to problems she has with internet/phone access on the ship she's working on. I don't think this has helped me, however much I appreciate it being difficult for her to get in touch. She's the one thing that I find still gives me strength. I'm not sure she fully understands what I'm going through and sometimes she seems uninterested, but I love her. Tomorrow is her birthday and I'm hoping she'll get a chance to phone. I think that would help me get through the next week without her.
My words so far seem messy. I know there's a lot I wanted to cover that I haven't touched on, but there will be other opportunities for that. Writing this has been hard, so many painful memories and thoughts.
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