To explain how I ended up where I am now, I have to go back over a year. A lot has happened since then and the events that occurred have all played a part in creating the depression I now find myself in. There's a lot to explain and some information will be fleshed out in later posts.
In August 2006, my girlfriend went to Japan for a year to teach as a JET. I hadn't wanted her to go, but I felt our relationship was strong enough to get through it and I didn't feel I had the right to stop her. I hadn't told her I loved her until the same time she told me about the Japan trip. It wasn't because I didn't want her to hear it, but because I wanted to be 100% sure I did before saying so...I wanted it to be genuine, to mean something. Unfortunately, the timing was bad, but I couldn't let her go without knowing how I truly felt. I moved into her house about 2 weeks before she left. The plan was for me to live there and look after the place while she was gone. I hoped that, when she came back after a year, that we would live together from that point on.
I remember our last night together before she left with complete clarity. She cried that night and it was the first time I'd seen her do that. I didn't enjoy seeing her upset but I knew that she was crying because of how she felt about me, and that made me happy...just knowing she cared for me that much. She told me that she loved me, that she didn't want to leave me. I promised her that I'd still be there when she got back and that I loved her too. We hugged a lot and fell asleep in each others arms. The next day, she left.
We kept in touch by email regularly, but things soon took a turn for the worse at home. My job was having a negative affect on me. Teaching is stressful enough at the best of times, but it became clear that the college gave no support to it's staff and that, combined with new and inept management, applied more pressure on me than I could cope with. Finally, despite several members of staff, including myself, warning management of certain students, I was assaulted by one of them during a class. By the end of that week, I was off work having come very close to a breakdown. I wasn't physically injured in the attack, but psychologically it was damaging. I felt uncomfortable about being in classes, even when I knew the students were well behaved. The lack of concern and support from management fueled my feelings of anxiety. They expected me to continue as normal, even to continue to teach the class I was assaulted in, with the student responsible still in it. When I tried to explain that I felt unable to do that, I was threatened with a disciplinary.
It was November at this point. I hadn't told my girlfriend how bad things were getting at work. She was suffering from homesickness and I didn't want her to be worrying about me on top of dealing with being in a foreign country. I was thinking of her constantly and wanted her with me but ,despite that, I lapsed in my emails to her. Not for a long period of time, maybe 4 or 5 days at most during which I was coming to terms with the work situation.
I returned to work shortly before the Christmas vacation. It hadn't improved while I was gone, but I only had a week to do until I was off again and my girlfriend would be returning to England for a couple of weeks. We also had a friend's wedding to look forward to over that period, so I was feeling quite positive, even though I was still unhappy.
Things soon turned sour again when she finally returned. After a day or two, she became irritable, snapping at me for anything and everything. I couldn't do anything right, even asking her if she was ok would cause her to get angry at me. I put it down to jet lag and did what I could to avoid confrontation while trying to be supportive. She was unhappy that I hadn't been forwarding mail to her, but I could tell it wasn't just that. She knew at this point what had happened to me and I expected her to be a bit more understanding. By the time of the wedding, 2 nights before Christmas, we were hardly talking. After the ceremony she complained of feeling ill and went to our room in the hotel. I stayed up, but went to check on her regularly, taking her food and making sure there was nothing she needed.
Thankfully, things improved from that point. We spent Christmas day with her mum and sister, boxing day with her dad and the following day with my parents. We started getting along better and things started to feel normal again. Not perfect, I could still tell there was a strain on us, but it was getting better. All too soon however, it was over and she returned to Japan. I wasn't going to see her again for some time.
I paid more attention to what I was doing in my relationship after Christmas. Not only did mail get forwarded regularly, but I also sent her plenty of English TV to watch. I phoned when I could, sometimes only once a month, sometimes every other week. I wanted to make things up to her and show her I cared, that she was in my thoughts and to make her feel wanted. Despite that, her emails to me changed. Gone were the kisses and pet names. If someone who didn't know us had read them, they wouldn't have guessed we were a couple. Sometimes on the phone she was chatty, other times it felt as if she couldn't wait to get me off the line. There were regular occasions when I wouldn't hear from her for days. I would worry about her as she used to tell me if she was going to have difficulty being in touch, but she never did anymore. When she finally got back to me, she would explain she'd been away somewhere for a few days. Distance can do funny things to a relationship though and I was never in any doubt that once she returned for good, things would improve.
By March I was in a mess. My father's health had been poor for some years. he'd suffered several serious heart attacks and strokes and finally had a heart transplant at the end of 2005. Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of his ill health. Despite the stress of that, we later found out that he also needed a lung transplant or he would die within a couple of years. He could barely move without being out of breath and his quality of life was severely lacking because of that. Due to infection and complications, his second transplant kept being delayed.
It was around the 18th March when my dad was taken into hospital with chronic back pain. He was having problems with the strength of his bones due to his medication and it was decided that it was the best place for him. I was staying with my parents that weekend and got home at around 2am on Saturday night to a phone call telling me to get to the hospital. Despite being taken in for back pain, my dad's health had rapidly deteriorated since he arrived there. A few days after that he was placed in an induced coma due to his inability to sleep with an oxygen mask on. He had started having hallucinations and was constantly trying to rip it off, which would cause an instant drop in his vital signs.
On the 26th March my dad died. He simply wasn't recovering and the decision was made to switch off his life support. The hospital gave us time to get there and allowed us time with him before going ahead. He wasn't awake at any time and thankfully was unaware of what was happening. Myself, my Gran, mum and two brothers stayed at his bedside from the time they switched the machine off until the time he died. I wasn't watching the time, but I believe it took around 2 hours based on when I arrived and when we left. Being the eldest son, I tried to stay strong during this for my family but it was impossible not to cry. Writing about this now has brought me to tears again, I'm still not over it.
My dad was a wonderful person and had always been there for me and everyone else around him. He had been tough at times, but I always knew that it was because he loved me and wanted me to grow up to be a good person. I like to believe that he was successful, and that I did. I'm thankful to him for that and I miss him more than I can describe. Losing him so suddenly and unexpectedly was a huge shock to us all.
I really needed support myself at this time. While with my family, I was the one giving support, making phone calls to companies and people to let them know, generally doing the things my mum felt unable to handle. My friends there were fantastic and took me out most nights. It helped, but I needed support from my girlfriend more than anything else. It never came however. She said she was sorry to hear about it, that she was thinking of me, but they were one line emails and contained no sign of emotion at all. I'd sit at the computer at night, crying to myself, wanting to hear that she was there for me, that she loved me and everything would be alright...nothing, just the same one lines that made me feel worse and more alone.
After the Easter vacation, I returned to work. Things there only got progressively worse...more demands, more workload, more stress. Staff in my department were leaving in droves or off ill long term due to stress because of the work conditions. the one thing that kept me going was that come the end of July I would be going to Japan to visit my girlfriend for 3 weeks, after which we were both flying home together. I wanted to be with her again, to share experiences in Japan with her, but most of all, I think I needed her to hold me. To take me in her arms and tell me everything was going to be alright and that she was there for me.
When that time finally arrived, I was excited. I didn't have to worry about work and would be with the woman I loved again. I arrived in Japan on a Wednesday morning and spent a few days working my way up the country, finally arriving to my girlfriend on the Sunday. I could tell straight away that things weren't good between us, she was distant and hadn't seemed overly happy to see me. Within a day she was acting the same way she had at Christmas. We argued and she told me that she thought we should break up.
I instantly hit an all time low. I'd waited so long to be with her, flown half way around the world and I was greeted with this. I didn't understand why she hadn't told me before if she felt that way, why she'd let me spend so much money traveling to her only to drop this on me. I tried to stay strong and we decided to try and get along and enjoy the time in Japan as best we could. I broke down in tears a lot, trying to hide it when I could so I didn't make her feel uncomfortable. She saw it a few times and showed some concern, but I had doubts it was genuine. We had some good days after that however, days when everything felt like they were almost back to where I wanted them to be. Other days she was distant and would hardly talk to me. I was becoming very depressed at the thought of being without her.
Near the end of my holiday, she had to do a final 2 days work. It was on one of these that I found out she had been cheating on me. I was putting some pictures I'd taken for her on her laptop and accidentally changed the background image while doing so. When I went into her pictures folder to replace it, I saw the photos of her with the other guy...there was no doubt. I confronted her about it that night and when I told her I'd seen the photos, she confessed. She hadn't just had a one night stand, that I could understand, but a full relationship lasting almost a year. It had started back in November when I lapsed in my emails to her. She thought I was just being arrogant and ignoring her, so wanted to teach me a lesson. What I don't understand, even now, is why she continued the affair after finding out what had happened to me and why I hadn't mailed for a few days.
Everything felt like it clicked into place then. Why her emails had changed in tone, why she had acting so badly towards me at Christmas and, most importantly, why she was not supportive when my father died. It was at this time that I first started having thoughts that I would be better off dead. My whole world had come crashing in around me and it felt that any hope I had of coming to terms with everything had gone with the knowledge I now had. All the feelings I had kept inside me now had nowhere to go. I was alone in a foreign country with no-one to turn to for support except the person who had caused me so much pain.
That's when the depression really started, when the feelings I have now came to the surface. That's when I felt that everything I cared for in my life had been snatched away from and any control I had over my life had gone. That's how I got to here.
In August 2006, my girlfriend went to Japan for a year to teach as a JET. I hadn't wanted her to go, but I felt our relationship was strong enough to get through it and I didn't feel I had the right to stop her. I hadn't told her I loved her until the same time she told me about the Japan trip. It wasn't because I didn't want her to hear it, but because I wanted to be 100% sure I did before saying so...I wanted it to be genuine, to mean something. Unfortunately, the timing was bad, but I couldn't let her go without knowing how I truly felt. I moved into her house about 2 weeks before she left. The plan was for me to live there and look after the place while she was gone. I hoped that, when she came back after a year, that we would live together from that point on.
I remember our last night together before she left with complete clarity. She cried that night and it was the first time I'd seen her do that. I didn't enjoy seeing her upset but I knew that she was crying because of how she felt about me, and that made me happy...just knowing she cared for me that much. She told me that she loved me, that she didn't want to leave me. I promised her that I'd still be there when she got back and that I loved her too. We hugged a lot and fell asleep in each others arms. The next day, she left.
We kept in touch by email regularly, but things soon took a turn for the worse at home. My job was having a negative affect on me. Teaching is stressful enough at the best of times, but it became clear that the college gave no support to it's staff and that, combined with new and inept management, applied more pressure on me than I could cope with. Finally, despite several members of staff, including myself, warning management of certain students, I was assaulted by one of them during a class. By the end of that week, I was off work having come very close to a breakdown. I wasn't physically injured in the attack, but psychologically it was damaging. I felt uncomfortable about being in classes, even when I knew the students were well behaved. The lack of concern and support from management fueled my feelings of anxiety. They expected me to continue as normal, even to continue to teach the class I was assaulted in, with the student responsible still in it. When I tried to explain that I felt unable to do that, I was threatened with a disciplinary.
It was November at this point. I hadn't told my girlfriend how bad things were getting at work. She was suffering from homesickness and I didn't want her to be worrying about me on top of dealing with being in a foreign country. I was thinking of her constantly and wanted her with me but ,despite that, I lapsed in my emails to her. Not for a long period of time, maybe 4 or 5 days at most during which I was coming to terms with the work situation.
I returned to work shortly before the Christmas vacation. It hadn't improved while I was gone, but I only had a week to do until I was off again and my girlfriend would be returning to England for a couple of weeks. We also had a friend's wedding to look forward to over that period, so I was feeling quite positive, even though I was still unhappy.
Things soon turned sour again when she finally returned. After a day or two, she became irritable, snapping at me for anything and everything. I couldn't do anything right, even asking her if she was ok would cause her to get angry at me. I put it down to jet lag and did what I could to avoid confrontation while trying to be supportive. She was unhappy that I hadn't been forwarding mail to her, but I could tell it wasn't just that. She knew at this point what had happened to me and I expected her to be a bit more understanding. By the time of the wedding, 2 nights before Christmas, we were hardly talking. After the ceremony she complained of feeling ill and went to our room in the hotel. I stayed up, but went to check on her regularly, taking her food and making sure there was nothing she needed.
Thankfully, things improved from that point. We spent Christmas day with her mum and sister, boxing day with her dad and the following day with my parents. We started getting along better and things started to feel normal again. Not perfect, I could still tell there was a strain on us, but it was getting better. All too soon however, it was over and she returned to Japan. I wasn't going to see her again for some time.
I paid more attention to what I was doing in my relationship after Christmas. Not only did mail get forwarded regularly, but I also sent her plenty of English TV to watch. I phoned when I could, sometimes only once a month, sometimes every other week. I wanted to make things up to her and show her I cared, that she was in my thoughts and to make her feel wanted. Despite that, her emails to me changed. Gone were the kisses and pet names. If someone who didn't know us had read them, they wouldn't have guessed we were a couple. Sometimes on the phone she was chatty, other times it felt as if she couldn't wait to get me off the line. There were regular occasions when I wouldn't hear from her for days. I would worry about her as she used to tell me if she was going to have difficulty being in touch, but she never did anymore. When she finally got back to me, she would explain she'd been away somewhere for a few days. Distance can do funny things to a relationship though and I was never in any doubt that once she returned for good, things would improve.
By March I was in a mess. My father's health had been poor for some years. he'd suffered several serious heart attacks and strokes and finally had a heart transplant at the end of 2005. Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of his ill health. Despite the stress of that, we later found out that he also needed a lung transplant or he would die within a couple of years. He could barely move without being out of breath and his quality of life was severely lacking because of that. Due to infection and complications, his second transplant kept being delayed.
It was around the 18th March when my dad was taken into hospital with chronic back pain. He was having problems with the strength of his bones due to his medication and it was decided that it was the best place for him. I was staying with my parents that weekend and got home at around 2am on Saturday night to a phone call telling me to get to the hospital. Despite being taken in for back pain, my dad's health had rapidly deteriorated since he arrived there. A few days after that he was placed in an induced coma due to his inability to sleep with an oxygen mask on. He had started having hallucinations and was constantly trying to rip it off, which would cause an instant drop in his vital signs.
On the 26th March my dad died. He simply wasn't recovering and the decision was made to switch off his life support. The hospital gave us time to get there and allowed us time with him before going ahead. He wasn't awake at any time and thankfully was unaware of what was happening. Myself, my Gran, mum and two brothers stayed at his bedside from the time they switched the machine off until the time he died. I wasn't watching the time, but I believe it took around 2 hours based on when I arrived and when we left. Being the eldest son, I tried to stay strong during this for my family but it was impossible not to cry. Writing about this now has brought me to tears again, I'm still not over it.
My dad was a wonderful person and had always been there for me and everyone else around him. He had been tough at times, but I always knew that it was because he loved me and wanted me to grow up to be a good person. I like to believe that he was successful, and that I did. I'm thankful to him for that and I miss him more than I can describe. Losing him so suddenly and unexpectedly was a huge shock to us all.
I really needed support myself at this time. While with my family, I was the one giving support, making phone calls to companies and people to let them know, generally doing the things my mum felt unable to handle. My friends there were fantastic and took me out most nights. It helped, but I needed support from my girlfriend more than anything else. It never came however. She said she was sorry to hear about it, that she was thinking of me, but they were one line emails and contained no sign of emotion at all. I'd sit at the computer at night, crying to myself, wanting to hear that she was there for me, that she loved me and everything would be alright...nothing, just the same one lines that made me feel worse and more alone.
After the Easter vacation, I returned to work. Things there only got progressively worse...more demands, more workload, more stress. Staff in my department were leaving in droves or off ill long term due to stress because of the work conditions. the one thing that kept me going was that come the end of July I would be going to Japan to visit my girlfriend for 3 weeks, after which we were both flying home together. I wanted to be with her again, to share experiences in Japan with her, but most of all, I think I needed her to hold me. To take me in her arms and tell me everything was going to be alright and that she was there for me.
When that time finally arrived, I was excited. I didn't have to worry about work and would be with the woman I loved again. I arrived in Japan on a Wednesday morning and spent a few days working my way up the country, finally arriving to my girlfriend on the Sunday. I could tell straight away that things weren't good between us, she was distant and hadn't seemed overly happy to see me. Within a day she was acting the same way she had at Christmas. We argued and she told me that she thought we should break up.
I instantly hit an all time low. I'd waited so long to be with her, flown half way around the world and I was greeted with this. I didn't understand why she hadn't told me before if she felt that way, why she'd let me spend so much money traveling to her only to drop this on me. I tried to stay strong and we decided to try and get along and enjoy the time in Japan as best we could. I broke down in tears a lot, trying to hide it when I could so I didn't make her feel uncomfortable. She saw it a few times and showed some concern, but I had doubts it was genuine. We had some good days after that however, days when everything felt like they were almost back to where I wanted them to be. Other days she was distant and would hardly talk to me. I was becoming very depressed at the thought of being without her.
Near the end of my holiday, she had to do a final 2 days work. It was on one of these that I found out she had been cheating on me. I was putting some pictures I'd taken for her on her laptop and accidentally changed the background image while doing so. When I went into her pictures folder to replace it, I saw the photos of her with the other guy...there was no doubt. I confronted her about it that night and when I told her I'd seen the photos, she confessed. She hadn't just had a one night stand, that I could understand, but a full relationship lasting almost a year. It had started back in November when I lapsed in my emails to her. She thought I was just being arrogant and ignoring her, so wanted to teach me a lesson. What I don't understand, even now, is why she continued the affair after finding out what had happened to me and why I hadn't mailed for a few days.
Everything felt like it clicked into place then. Why her emails had changed in tone, why she had acting so badly towards me at Christmas and, most importantly, why she was not supportive when my father died. It was at this time that I first started having thoughts that I would be better off dead. My whole world had come crashing in around me and it felt that any hope I had of coming to terms with everything had gone with the knowledge I now had. All the feelings I had kept inside me now had nowhere to go. I was alone in a foreign country with no-one to turn to for support except the person who had caused me so much pain.
That's when the depression really started, when the feelings I have now came to the surface. That's when I felt that everything I cared for in my life had been snatched away from and any control I had over my life had gone. That's how I got to here.
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