A Few Missed Days

I haven't posted for a few days now and I expect these occasions to be a bit sparse in the coming weeks. Since my girlfriend came home, I get very little time alone on the pc with it being in the living room and I'm not ready for her to know about this yet. She currently upstairs, but I'll come to that in a while.

Things have been good since the last time I wrote, I've even managed to go the last 8 days without a cigarette, possibly the longest any of my quitting attempts has lasted. I think that being off work, and hence avoiding the associated stress, has helped with this. Whether or not it will last remains to be seen, but so far, so good.

I spoke with my girlfriend a few days ago about all the issues I was struggling with. She didn't make me any promises about anything, but did seem to listen and understand. I told her in detail about how the depression was making me feel and of all the negative thoughts and doubts that enter my head. I told her that I'd contacted the guy in Japan and how it was making me feel with her still in touch with him. I told her about my plans to buy her a laptop, how she could help me fight my current battle and what it would mean to me if she did.

It felt positive overall. She didn't get angry like I was expecting and I truly got the sense that she was there for me and that, somewhere, she realised just how much she was hurting me. We talked for a long time, at least 2 hours, and we were both tired by the end. It was a good feeling coming out of that the same way as we went into it however...in each others arms.

Now, I'm not sure if anything changed, if she really listened. We argued earlier, well sort of at least. I'm not sure what it was to be honest. She claims I said something in a nasty way and if I did, which I don't recall, it wasn't intentional on my part. Afterwards, she was acting moody and I thought it was an act she sometimes puts on, so I was being playful until she snapped at me, calling me something hurtful. I left the room for a while in tears before coming back and taking my mind of it at the computer. After an hour or so, I started getting upset again and went upstairs to lay on the bed. I was there over an hour, crying on and off. She never said anything to me, never checking if I was ok.

When I came downstairs, she was happily emailing someone and, I have to admit, I got a bit frustrated and snapped at her as I'd left my mouse charging. I tried to talk to her after that, but it hasn't gone well. It's my fault, as usual, and she won't consider the fact that she's hurt me again or that maybe it would have been nice for her to apologise first for a change. Whenever we argue, it's always me that has to initiate an apology, even though, half the time, I don't know what the argument was about or why she got upset. It seems like it's always me putting in the thought.

I mentioned that to her just now and got a very snide reaction that she "did think about me". There was practically a sneer on her face when she said it, which was both upsetting and alarming to see. She claims she meant nothing by it, but no-one says something that way without an underlying meaning.

So, now she's upstairs at my request so I could write this. She'll be back down soon and I don't know what she'll say, if anything. I suspect we'll be in silence all night, or at least most of it. I want a smoke more now than anytime in the last 8 days but, most of all, I want her to appreciate how she's making me feel for once. I won't hold my breath.

Back Home

We've been home now for about 4 hours and I'm not really sure how I'm feeling at the moment. A bit more relaxed, yes, but I still have so many questions that are unanswered.

I had a long wait at the airport and little to do during that time but think and dwell on the issues that I've been struggling with the last few days. It didn't make anything clearer, probably just got me more confused and anxious, but I couldn't take me mind away from them. She did look happy to see me however and talked constantly on the way home about her time on the ship.

Since we got back, we've been relaxing and chatting. Gift giving was done and everything feels OK. It's the underlying issues that are, or could be, the problem though and these haven't been spoken of. I briefly mentioned her birthday present and that I needed to speak to her about it at some point, but I've no idea when I'll bring that up. Too much baggage will come with it for it to be a sensible move at the moment. I just want to enjoy today as much as I possibly can and then take it from there.

She's taking a nap at the moment, after being awake for over 24 hours. Prior experience tells me that she'll be moving again in an hour or two and I hope that when she wakes, we'll continue to have a good evening. I still don't know what's going to happen overall, but I am always amazed by the effect she has on me. Just being around her helps me relax, to feel more positive, to be happier. It may not last, but right now I'll take any break I can from the feelings I've been accustomed to over the last 3 weeks.

The Last Stretch

Only half an hour until I go now.

I've done all I can to make her return a happy one. I've got the Sunday papers she reads, snacks and a drink she likes in the car. I've decorated the bathroom and landing/stairs for her, have a welcome home present sat on the sofa and the house is spotless. I've stocked up on food and drink she likes for the next week and she'll be having a huge steak cooked for her tonight. I still don't feel it's enough.

I'm now feeling terrified of setting off. I want to see her again so badly, but I'm so scared of what the future might bring. I've spent the last year and a half dreaming of my future with her and now I'm at a point where I can see that genuinely falling apart. To face the prospect of seeing your dreams destroyed before your eyes is something I never dreamed I'd go through and if I could find a way to avoid having to face that, I would.

I've never needed a hug as badly as I do now, just someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I doubt I'd believe it, but it would help, just a little, and that's all I need right now. To live without hope feels like dying inside, you lose all sense of who you are, your identity and value as a person, stripped away to nothingness. I don't know whether all this hinges on her or not, maybe it's just in my head that it does. It really doesn't matter however, as my head is where I'm fighting what feels to be a losing battle.

I probably shouldn't even be considering driving in my current state, but I have no choice. I can't leave her waiting at the airport, I don't want to leave her waiting there. I'm fed up of the contradictions in my head though...I want her home as soon as possible, but I want to delay it in case things go wrong.

I'm back to questioning my sense of worth again, my life as it is now. Do I really want to go on? I feel like the last piece of who I am is within my girlfriends palm and some point soon she'll either allow it grow again, or crush it.

Time's up, got to go...

To the Airport

It's an hour and a half until I set off to pick up my girlfriend. I should be happy, glad that she'll be back with me, but in truth I've been awake most of the night crying and am finding it hard to stop even now.

I'm feeling very anxious. I don't know what's going to happen when I see her, if she'll be pleased to see me or distant like she was when I met her Japan. I'm also struggling with my feelings that she doesn't care. I feel surrounded by darkness and it scares me more than I can describe. The only light I had to guide me out of this seems to be vanishing and I'm afraid that it will soon disappear.

I need to know the truth as to whether she cares anything for me or not, whether she has any respect left for me and if she is serious about trying to fix things between us. I can't go on feeling that she's only telling me what I want to hear, the doubt are going to destroy what's left of me. I already feel that the main areas of my life are out of my control and now I feel that what control I have over myself, who I am, is rapidly vanishing too.

I can only pray at this point that I feel better when I see her, that she does greet me with warmth and caring, that I do mean something to her and that I see that in her eyes. If I still feel as I do now by the end of the day, I'm afraid I'll have to talk to her about all of this, about my feelings. I suspect that will lead to her getting angry, which won't help the way I feel. I don't want to cause an argument between us, but I can't go on any longer with this eating me away from the inside. I also believe at the moment that, if we do argue, she'll tell me what I don't want to hear, that everything I've been trying to do for her, everything I have done, has been a waste of time. That she thinks I'm worthless.

I hope I'm wrong as I feel I'm clutching to my last chance of saving myself...

The Next Four Weeks

I've just had my appointment at the doctors and it went relatively well. She hadn't heard from my counsellor yet, but discussed with me how I felt about work and the thought of being on medication.

I've never felt comfortable with the idea of anti-depressants. I want to be sure that I'm feeling happy because I am improving, not because of some drug I'm taking. My doctor assured me that this wouldn't be the case, that the drugs simply help lift you out of the depression, but that they're useless without effort on my part. It would be a long stretch however, 3 months for the drugs to start having some effect then a further 6 to 9 months of me working at improving things before I could risk coming of them. If I stop early, then I risk sinking into a worse depression than I'm in at the moment.

I'm going to think about it for the time being. I want to see how I am after my girlfriend returns and talk things through with my counsellor first. I may feel that I don't need drugs while she's around, but then if she leaves to go abroad again in 6 weeks, that could change again.

I've also been signed off work for another 4 weeks and have another appointment to see my doctor at that time. Over that period, I need to decide about the medication and discuss my problems with work. I can call the doctors and arrange to go on anti-depressants at any time if I decide to go ahead with that. I'm not sure what to do about work though.

My doctor wants me to contact the relevant members of staff and discuss with them the issues surrounding me being off work and what they can do to help me return. The problem is, that I've already discussed these issues with my seniors at work and got nothing but more grief and hassle for my troubles. I don't know who else to go to there and I suspect I'll get similar responses regardless. I think my only option will be someone in Human Resources. I don't know any of the staff there, nor if they can help, but as I have to send my sick note to them, I may attach a letter asking them to contact me regarding my absence. It's all I can think of.

It feels like I have mountains to climb. Decisions aren't the easiest thing to make at the moment due to the lack of focus I currently have. I'm not sure what I'll do yet, but I will be thinking about it.

I'm still waiting to hear from my girlfriend, although she usually mails between 3 and 4pm, still an hour away.

First Thoughts of Christmas

I've been thinking about Christmas a lot this evening. It may still be a few weeks away, but I'm dreading it already. I don't usually get excited about Christmas, I'm not religious in the slightest and huge family 'get togethers' have never really appealed. This year however, rather than the usual passive feelings I have, I just don't want it to happen.

It's the first Christmas since my father died and I know it's going to be hard. Not just on me, but on my entire family, especially my mother. She's going to need everyone around her and I'll have to visit on the day. I don't begrudge that, but I don't want to go through it either.

I've mentioned before about being the eldest and how I feel responsible in that position. I feel I need to hold myself together and get through the day being strong for my mum. She's going to be upset, we all will be, but with my current problems on top, I fear that I won't be able to cope with what the day throws at me.

I'm hoping my girlfriend will be at my side. That would make it easier, knowing there was a shoulder I feel I could cry on if needed. We've not spoken about it in depth yet, but I have mentioned to her before that I need to be with my family and I want her to be there with me. I don't know how she feels about it yet, but I hope she'll agree. She not sociable and I know she'd prefer not to go regardless of the circumstance. What I'd like, is for her to put her feelings aside and come along for me, to be there for me, however uncomfortable she may feel about it.

For all I know, she could have that plan already and I'm not about to jump to conclusions at this point, not on this subject. If the time comes and she decides not to come, I'll go anyway, I have to. I'd be disappointed though. Disappointed and hurt.

I've not heard from her today, I've no idea why. The cruise ship she's on has a web cam, which I look at occasionally to see where she is. It makes me feel a little closer to her while she's gone and, knowing that she suffers from sea sickness, I do worry about her when the ship isn't docked. It's still quite early in the evening there now, maybe 7.30pm to my 11.30pm and I expect I'll be up a while longer in the hope that she'll write. She may not have had a chance during the day and I do sometimes get emails around 1am from her. I miss it when I don't hear from her though. The emails, however much I've criticised in previous posts, do cheer me up and I sleep better having read them. When I don't hear from her, I find it hard to settle, checking my mails at least once an hour to see if she's sent anything. I'm trying not to let the thoughts into my head. I'm telling myself she just hasn't had a chance to write, probably due to no Internet access or her sea sickness. It doesn't help much, but it's all I have. I miss her badly enough when she does write. When she doesn't, it feels unbearable.

A Week's Worth of Thinking

I had my weekly counselling session this afternoon. They're never easy, having to talk about the things that are most painful to me, but they do help. I often come away with more questions than answers, but I feel they're leading me in the right direction, to a place where things make sense.

My counsellor is a very nice man, quietly spoken and very unassuming. He doesn't tell me what to think, what's right or wrong about how I'm feeling. He listens and he asks questions.

We often cover the same subjects during these sessions. Not necessarily from the same angle, but the same notions and today was no exception. We talked a lot about how I was feeling at the moment and have been over the last week, what I was thinking about everything and about how hard I'm finding it to make sense of everything. I explained about my confusion over matters, that no matter what happens that makes me happy, I eventually start tearing it apart, seeing negatives everywhere and doubting what I see and hear. The only things I believe for certain at the moment are the bad things. Those, I know I can trust.

My girlfriend, as usual, was the main topic of conversation. I want to be able to trust her and believe what she tells me, but after all the lies and deception, I'm not sure what to think anymore. When she does something nice or thoughtful, I doubt her reasons for it. I get no feedback from her on how she feels about me, or our relationship, without asking for it and after the lies, I now find myself wondering if she's telling me the truth, or just what I want to hear. I can't see that changing until I know she's being honest with me and I don't know how to find out without asking her. Catch 22.

I think I mentioned before that I was planning on buying her a new laptop for her birthday. I'm not particularly well off and it would normally be beyond my price range to do that. I have some money coming in soon however, not a huge amount, just a few hundred. It's effectively a gift from my dad, a portion of his pension payout to my mum after his death. I was going to put it towards a new HD TV for myself, but had made up my mind about buying the laptop instead because I knew it would make my girlfriend happy. Now, I'm not so sure it's a good idea.

I still want to buy it her, I know that much, but I'm just full of doubts if it's a sensible thing to do. The first two reasons are purely selfish. Firstly, that she's stated she doesn't really want to go away again without one and, secondly, that if she used that to contact the guy in Japan, it would feel like a kick in the teeth. I couldn't cope with that.

There are other reason too, although they do somewhat relate to the above. My session got me thinking about all the things I do for her to make her happy, then what she does for me. If I'm honest about the way I feel, the answer to the latter is 'not a lot'. It doesn't seem like she gives my happiness much thought. She used to, but not anymore. I still feel that the guy in Japan is to blame for this, that because she's holding on to him her feelings for me are not developing. I still struggle to understand why she's continuing to contact him when I think it's clear to her that stopping that would make be the one thing she could for me that would make me very happy. It wouldn't solve all our problems in one go, but it's a huge step in the right direction. Ultimately, while she continues to email him, I won't feel that she's truly interested in me, in fixing our relationship.

I want to talk to her about this, find out if she genuinely does understand how it makes me feel. I don't want us to fight though and I know if I bring it up, it will make her mad. What else can I do but suffer in silence?

All this may pass once she's back, once I can pick up the visual clues as to how she feels. It's one of the problems of being apart, not being able see body language. Communication through emails is too impersonal...it's too easy to lie.

About Work

I've been working as a lecturer in further education for a little over 3 years now, 4 and a half years if I include the unpaid work I did while I was qualifying for the job. When I first started, I enjoyed it immensely. It's true what they say about a job you like not feeling like work, it never did. There were bad days, tiring days, and it could be physically and mentally demanding, but it was a pleasure getting up in a morning and going in to teach.

It was about a year and a half ago that it started to change, and not just for me. I think if I'd been the only one having problems, then I would have worried about my attitude, that there was no problem other than what I was creating for myself. I know that wasn't the case however, too many people suffered alongside me.

It all changed with the introduction of a new manager to our department. Our previous manager had left as part of a restructure. She was wonderful to work under. Friendly, understanding...the sort of person you felt comfortable going to with any problems, not just as a boss, but as a friend. She understood the area we worked in, what the students could be like and what problems we faced on a daily basis. She tried her best to make things easy for us and was always apologetic when she couldn't. Our new boss turned out to be the complete opposite.

It wasn't that people didn't give her a chance, we kept an open mind, but it wasn't long before she started showing her true colours. She didn't teach and had no idea about our area, having come from managing something else entirely. Despite this, she refused to listen to anything that was raised to her. Concerns were pushed aside, staff threatened and blamed for things outside of their control. We were constantly told that we poor at our jobs and that she was going to turn this around.

I don't believe for one moment that we had a bad team who couldn't do their jobs well. There was the odd part time member of staff who could have pulled their weight more and done a better job, but, on the whole, we were a good department who knew what they were doing and did it well. The thing is, when you're consistently told something, you eventually start to believe it or, at the very least, start to have doubts. Eventually, during a meeting between us (with union backing) and her, we raised this issue and suggested that it would be beneficial to all if she focused more on the good things we were doing, rather than constantly criticise us. She laughed.

In the last year pretty much all of the original team have left because of her. Some were off sick with stress first, having been pushed too far, others managed to find employment elsewhere. Unfortunately, I got stuck and had to stay. I've put up with a lot in this time. Demands on me that are outside of my job description, threats to my professional standing and the constant criticisms to my performance. I've raised concerns only to be told to keep them quiet, I've asked for support only to have it ignored. I've had enough.

I no longer feel I can go back there. Just the thought of having to go into work makes me break down in tears and when that is happening on a daily basis, something is seriously wrong. I don't believe it will get any better either. From things I've heard while I've been off, it's just going to get a lot worse and I feel being there would put my health under a huge strain at a time when I need to avoid such things.

I'd rather be working than sat at home however. I need to feel active, but I don't even feel comfortable leaving the house. My front door is clearly visible from one of the college sites, the site which houses the managers. Anyone outside the building can see me come and go with clarity. I feel like a prisoner. I feel my only option now is to find a new job, but I'm having no luck. My mood doesn't help, I'm sure it comes across in applications and it certainly doesn't motivate me to spend hours searching the papers and web sites for something new.

I'm considering just handing in my notice and filing for constructive dismissal. I feel I've done everything I could to avoid this, but every attempt to explain my situation and get support from them has fallen on deaf ears. I'm hoping at the moment that my visit to the doctors tomorrow will result in a lengthy sick note. that will give me time to make my decisions and, hopefully, put something in action to get out of there once and for all.

Doubts

I've heard from my girlfriend a few times since she phoned at the weekend. She seems to have more Internet time now and I get at least one detailed email per day, sometimes more.

Now, there's nothing wrong with the emails she's sending. She tells me about what she's doing, asks me about things back here, she's even putting kisses to the end of every one. So, why do I not feel happy or satisfied with that? I'm happy that she's writing, I can't doubt that, and the kisses do put a smile on my face, however briefly. Something just doesn't feel right however...doesn't feel natural.

There's something about her mails that make me feel that she isn't happy, or that she's forcing these out with little thought for me. I'm probably wrong, hopefully wrong, but it's as if she's going through the motions to make me happy, without actually being interested in whether I'm happy or not. Part of me feels that she's covering the bases quickly, in order to have more time emailing the guy in Japan. I know this is unfair and I feel awful for thinking it. Perhaps it's the format of the emails that concerns me. She discusses a lot throughout them, but it's all so brief. Short, one or two line, paragraphs before starting on another topic with the same lack of detail or description. They run like a check list of things to say, rather than being written out of any interest or desire.

I am grateful to her for writing, even if it doesn't sound that way. She has put some wonderful thoughts in her mails, such as the idea of us having a belated birthday celebration together when she gets back (my birthday is a week to the day before hers). I suppose it's just with my state of mind at the moment that I always want more. It's the long term goals that do this. I want to hear that she loves me and that she misses me. She probably does miss me, just not in the way I want, not with the emotion I want. I realise it's too early for that from her perspective and that's OK...it's just not easy.

I don't like the doubts I have over her reasons for writing, I don't even want to trust them, but they are there. I hope they'll go away when she's with me again. It's a lot easier to read if someone is being genuine when they're face to face with you and I've always relied on that a lot when dealing with people. Emails will never be an ideal way to communicate with the one you love, especially when you're recovering from having your trust in them shattered.

I will keep telling myself that she's just rushed when online. She is paying for it on a basis of time after all and I doubt she wants to spend more than is necessary, especially when what little she has will have to last the rest of the week. I have to remind myself not to be selfish too, that she has friends and relatives to contact. When she returns, I'll have enough of her time, so I should allow some to others now.

About Him

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, or think, about this guy in Japan. I don't know that much about him. A few facts and a few things that my girlfriend has told which may, or may not, reflect his true self.

I know he's English and that he's been in Japan for a few years now. I know what he looks like, having seen the photos of them both. And, of course, I know that he doesn't know the truth about my relationship, that he thinks I'm just a jealous ex.

My girlfriend has told me that he helped her a lot while she was there. She hasn't said how he did that and I'm not sure I trust his motivations having dealt with him via email. Maybe it's just the fantasies again, me seeing what I want to see, but he comes across as arrogant, self-righteous and manipulative. I can picture him preying on a new female JET each year, using them for his own ends and finding the next when they return home.

He definitely has a way of twisting a persons words to his own advantage and that concerns me. I don't know for sure what he's saying to my girlfriend, but I know that it won't be anything to benefit me...in fact, I expect it to be the opposite.

I feel that he's taken a lot from me over the last year. Not just the support and love I needed while I was going through difficult times, but also my hope. Whether knowingly or not, he stole the love and affections of my girlfriend, stole experiences that I hopes to share with her in Japan. It was difficult finding out that all the places we visited, all the things we did, she'd already shared with him before I arrived. It made the experience seem empty and worthless...made me feel worthless.

She says that her reason for not telling him the truth, is that he has had a string of girlfriends cheat on him in the past. The irony isn't lost on me. I can't honestly say I care however, not after his reaction to my emails where he made it perfectly clear how he felt about me and my contact with him.

I don't know whether he's planning on returning to England at any point. My girlfriend says he isn't, but that means little. I know, at least at the present time, if he did return, he would want to see her. I couldn't handle that. I'm not a violent person, I've never thrown a punch in my life, but if I saw him in person at the moment, I know that I would attack him. I hate him. It may not be right of me to do so, but it's easier to hate someone you don't know over someone you love.

Time will tell if that hate is justified or not.

A Weight Lifted

I finally heard from my girlfriend yesterday. Going a full 4 days without any contact was hard, very hard. It's at times like that, that my mind will start creating fantasies around the reasons for it, despite knowing full well the real reasons why. So, it was a great relief when I answered the phone and heard her voice on the other end.

The calls she's made from the ship are always a bit awkward. There's a delay of a few seconds, which creates a pause between one of us finishing what they have to say and the other replying. Often, we end up talking over each other because of this and have to back-track to find out what we said. Minor issues overall though and the quality of the conversations don't suffer because of that, at least not to any point worth mentioning.

We had limited time, but managed about 10-15 minutes before her phone card ran out and we were cut off. She sounded a bit fed up. Understandable really after all the problems...a week without her luggage, stolen items and more since then. She's had no help from the cruise regarding solving the baggage problem, they won't get involved. To top things off, she's now having issues with them paying her (as in they haven't) and she's almost out of money. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do except offer a friendly ear and tell her that she has a lot to forward to on her return. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, despite my own problems, or maybe because of them. I have offered to send her money if needed, to chase compensation issues up at this end, but I know all she really wants is to be back home.

She finally got her Internet card in the evening and sent a brief mail with her full flight details and specific times. She leaves next Saturday and will be arriving back here at 12.40pm on Sunday. I'll be driving to the airport to pick her up...a one hour drive, each way, down a busy and stressful stretch of motorway. I don't mind at all though, I just want to get her back here safely and take care of her.

That was pretty much the content of the mail, but she promised to write more today when she's have more time. She signed the email off with kisses...that made me smile. I slept better last night than I have for over a week. Not a perfect night, but I feel better for it. I know it was because of my contact with her and the relief I felt knowing that, even if she wasn't completely happy, she was safe and well. I look forward to her being back and having her laying next to me at night. I feel so much more secure when she's there and I can hear her gentle snoring.

About Her

For the sake of completion, and to round off the history side of things, I felt it would help to write a bit about the individual people and items in my life that have contributed to my state of mind. The most obvious place to start with this is my girlfriend.

I guess that anyone reading this so far would wonder why I'm still with her after everything that's happened. I don't have simple explanation for this. I do wonder, at times, if I would be better off without her but despite all she's done, I love her with all my heart.

She is a wonderful person, I mean that in all honesty. She's not without faults, but she's certainly the first partner I've had for whom I can look past those, even appreciate and love them.

She's possibly the laziest person I know, never more at home than when she's lounging on the sofa with the TV on, but she also has a poetic and creative streak that never ceases to surprise me. She's constantly coming up with ideas...TV shows to write, items to make and some very 'off the wall' money making ideas. They may not often come to fruition, but I enjoy hearing about them and the passion she employs for each. Perhaps because of this, she also serves as a huge inspiration to me. She motivates me to do things, to enjoy myself, to do things I wouldn't normally consider and I enjoy that.

She loves being pampered and I, in turn, love pampering her. I'm not just saying that. I get genuine pleasure from doing things for her and making her happy. I know she appreciates it and it makes her content. It's at these times that she comes into her own. She's sweet and affectionate, but not afraid to come to me when she wants some attention herself. I've often turned around while at my computer to find her on her knees next to me, rubbing against my chair like a kitten, softly whimpering that she wants me to cuddle up to her. I don't find it annoying at all, I find it comforting. It makes me feel wanted and I miss that when she's not around.

She pampers me too, although I sometimes wonder if she enjoys inflicting pain a little too much as she does things like taking care of ingrowing hairs on my legs and stomach. She enjoys doing things like that and I enjoy the attention she gives me during it.

It should go without saying that I find her to be both incredibly beautiful and sexy. When we curl up next to each other, it feels like our bodies just fit together naturally, it feels right. She often surprises me by appearing out of nowhere, throwing herself on top of me and holding me tight, kissing me passionately. When that happens, I can feel on a high for hours.

She makes me laugh too, sometimes in the things she says, sometimes what she does. On occasion it's because she's laughing at me, but that's never meant nastily. We can insult each other and not take it to heart, but jokingly, as it was intended. She's often in hysterics when I make an impulsive dig at her and I'm glad she takes it that way, the house is a much nicer place to be when she's laughing.

I don't think I can really do justice in these words to who she is, or what she means to me. She gives me strength and support, shows me affection when I need it and helps me break from routine. She's done so much for me, not because she had to, but because she wanted to. Things may not be that perfect now, but I still believe in her and that she will be like that again. I know she feels that she isn't helping me at the moment, that she doesn't know how to. She's wrong. The little things matter...her being here matters. Just being herself around me helps me get through the day. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. She's always in my thoughts and even when I'm suffering myself, my main concern has always been to make sure she's ok, that she's happy. That will never change. I want to be a part of her life, for her to be a part of mine, for us to grow old together and have a family.

I can't hate her for what she's done. It would be easier if I could. Even when we argue and I get mad at her, it doesn't last for long. I only have to look in her eyes for it to calm me down. She soothes me, brings out the best in me and for that, I am forever grateful to her. I want her to know how much she means to me, but I've never really been sure I get that across effectively. She doesn't understand why I still love her after everything she did and I think that makes her feel somewhat guilty. Perhaps she should feel that way, but I don't want her to. I just want her to understand that, regardless of whether she believes I should or shouldn't still love her, I do, and that's all that matters.

There's not a thing about her I'd change, that would be changing who she is and who I love. I know that, in time, the lies will end and she'll concentrate on my feelings as much as her own. I only wish that, while I'm waiting for that to happen, she'd stop contacting the guy in Japan. Maybe then, given some time, she'll finally be able to tell me what I want more than anything else...for her to tell me that she loves me.

The Last Four Months

Since the depression started while I was in Japan, things have been complicated. I've never really felt stable, like my life was in my hands. There are too many things out of my control and trying to regain that for myself feels like an impossible task. It feels at times like the whole world is conspiring against me to stop me regaining my sense of worth.

In the last few days of the Japan trip, things did improve somewhat between myself and my girlfriend. Perhaps it was because everything was out in the open...I don't know for sure. Our last day in Ishikawa, before flying to Tokyo, was a good one. We enjoyed a nice day out and were chatting and laughing like we used to, before this whole mess. We had sex that night, but it was followed by us sleeping in separate beds. I didn't know what to think, if it was a one off, a mistake that she'd regret in the morning, or was even regretting straight away. It left me confused and anxious. That wasn't the end of it however, and, over the next few nights, we were having sex regularly.

When we finally got back to England, I had to deal with the aftermath of everything that had happened. I wanted to be back together with my girlfriend, to forgive her for what she'd done and move on. It was a tough time. She agreed to give things a go, but I knew it wasn't going to be easy. On top of our relationship problems, there were other issues at play. I knew she had to go abroad again some time soon, as she couldn't work in England within the following 6 months without having to pay income tax on what she'd earned in Japan. This meant we limited time to try and patch things up, to reach a point where we could survive the coming distance. We were also living under the same roof, meaning that we were under each others feet constantly.

Overall, we made good progress. There were a lot of arguments at first, as I struggled to get my head around things and spoke to her about them, but we always seemed to come out of the other side better off and were rarely in a position where we didn't speak for long. Work was taking it's toll on me again and I would come home feeling depressed, stressed or angry. I know this wasn't pleasant for her, but she was supportive and I appreciated that. She made me feel like she cared, that I was wanted and that alone had a huge and positive impact on me. I went off work again after a few weeks, unable to cope with the demands of the job whilst dealing with everything else. It gave us more time together, which helped in some ways , although having no privacy or space from each other was difficult for us both. She'd told me she was no longer in contact with the guy in Japan and that made me feel better. Knowing he was out of the picture, I thought we could both move on and put it all behind us for good.

Just before leaving work, I did something stupid. While at home, I'd seen her log into her email account on her laptop. I wouldn't normally pry, but I found her password easy to remember, being the name of a friend at work. I hadn't meant to see this, it was not a deliberate act in any way, but it didn't leave my mind. After a particularly bad day, I logged into her emails at work and found that she was still in touch the man she'd cheated on me with. I remember spending the next half hour in a daze, pacing the room and having my emotions constantly switch between anger and sadness. Not only had she lied to me about it, but I felt, and still do feel, that her being in touch with him would only harm our chances of sorting things out for good. I couldn't understand why she would do that.

When I got home we argued over the matter. I told her what I'd done, that I was sorry for it and that she should change her password. I promised her I would not do it again and I meant it. I knew I was in the wrong for doing what I did, but it didn't change what I had discovered. He didn't know about me and that made me feel insecure, so I demanded that she tell him or I would. It didn't end well. She got really upset and I started feeling guilty, eventually backing down and just explaining that it had to stop, that she had to stop lying to me. Over the coming weeks, this issue came up over and over again. I couldn't stop thinking about him emailing her, wondering what he was saying, if she was being more affectionate with him than me.

Eventually we sat down and I poured my heart out to her over it. I explained that it felt she was still cheating on me, that it was a kick in the teeth when I was trying to recover from everything and make her happy. She seemed to understand and voluntarily promised me that she would tell him she was with me and stop the emails between them. She wouldn't tell him the truth, just that I was an ex and she was back together with me. I was happy with that, but I explained she needed to do it soon. She was leaving for her next job in November and I didn't feel able to cope with her being away from me and still in contact with him. That was only a few weeks away.

As the date of her leaving got nearer, I needed to know for sure that she had stopped and asked her about this. She told me she had, but I had doubts. When someone has lied to and deceived you before, I guess it's natural for it to take a while for the trust to really come back, no matter how much you want that to happen. I asked her to prove it, to allow me to believe her once and for all by showing me her emails and she agreed. The first account had one from him, but she hadn't replied. The second caused problems. She showed me a brief screen, but when I asked her to show me all the mails, she turned it off quickly. The truth then came out.

She said she hadn't told him about us, but had stopped mailing him for a couple of weeks. Over that time, he still kept emailing her and those mails were getting weirder, so she started writing to him again. Again, she had lied to me. We argued once more, an argument which ended with her reluctantly emailing him and telling him what she originally said she would. All I wanted was for her to keep her promise to me, but I know that it still hasn't ended.

I suppose this sounds like all we did was fight, but that isn't the case. The counselling I was receiving over this time helped us a lot. I spent a lot of time at the sessions discussing my relationship and how these events made me feel. The sessions helped me to see a bit more clearly what I needed, but also to consider what she thought about everything and how it made her feel. Despite all the problems, we did improve our relationship and before she left was feeling happy and more comfortable with us as a couple. There is still a lot of work to do, but I honestly feel like we have a chance. We've been doing a lot together and enjoying that time for the most part. It hasn't stopped the way I've been feeling, but it has allowed me to put aside, even for a few brief moments.

I dropped her off at Manchester airport for her flight two weeks ago. I was ok until she was gone but spent the rest of the day in tears. That was when I first emailed the guy in Japan. I'd promised my girlfriend I wouldn't tell him the truth about us and, thankfully, I didn't. I simply requested he speak to me and that he kept that between the two of us and didn't mention it to my girlfriend. He agreed and we had a brief discussion over several days. I asked him to stop emailing her, explaining that it was hurting me and harming our relationship. He refused. I queried him on several things, still not telling him the full story, but wanting him to understand, as much as possible, what it meant to me. I'm not sure I was as polite or friendly as I could have been, which is not surprising, but I do believe I managed to refrain from being aggressive or threatening. He shrugged it off and made it perfectly clear he wanted to know nothing about it and wasn't going to stop. So, I know she is still in touch with him, despite her knowing how much that hurts me.

She's phoned a few times since she left and those calls have always put me in a better mood. She's got problems of her own again...luggage going missing, then returned with several items stolen, including her laptop, so she's not emailed regularly. I've written several times a day to her. Even when I don't get a reply, it makes me feel like she's here, like I'm talking to her. I'm worried about her too, as I know she's not been happy after everything that went wrong with the trip. However, I'm starting to feel as if the distance is damaging us again. Her first few emails were more like the ones I used to get, before the affair. She called me "baby", she put kisses on them, told me that she was thinking of me. Once more, that has stopped. I've asked her about it and explained it reminds me of Japan. She says it's lack of time, but I can't help feeling that there's more to it, however much I tell myself it's due to her problems there. I don't think she understands how hard I'm finding it without her here and how much those little things mean to me right now. It hardly takes second to put an 'x' or two at the bottom of a mail and yet for me it's a confirmation that she cares. I can't explain how important that is.

It's her birthday today and I'm hoping she'll phone at some point. I haven't heard from her for four days now, but I was expecting that. She'd told me she might not be able to email until Friday when she'd be getting an Internet card from the company as a birthday present. There was still nothing yesterday however, but I'm trying to tell myself that she just hasn't got it yet. I fear though, that the guy from Japan has told her about me contacting him, that he's manipulating things and encouraging her to leave me. I don't know this for sure, it's probably just a fantasy, but that's the way it works with depression and it's hard to counter these thoughts when they enter your head.

I'm still off work. I did go back for 4 weeks, but soon reached a point where I was breaking down and crying several times a day. I told one of the senior managers about my condition, hoping for some help and support, but once I'd said everything, she couldn't even look me in the eye. She then placed a huge workload on me with unachievable deadlines. I'm officially due back in a week, but will be seeing my doctor on Thursday and she may be signing me off for a couple more months. My counsellor is backing that idea. I'm not sure what I'll do if that doesn't happen. I don't feel able to go back, knowing what I'll face if I do.

My girlfriend is coming home sooner than expected, only one week to go, but I can't get excited about it yet. I want her here with me and can't wait for that to happen, but I have so many doubts and questions running through my head. Most of all, I'm still upset and concerned about her ongoing emails to that guy. I want him gone from our lives.

I don't know what's going to happen from this point on. All I do know, is that I'm doing everything in my power to be the best person I can be for my girlfriend. I have several surprises for her when she returns and she'll be spending her days being treated like the princess she is. I only hope that she appreciates it.....and me.