Since the depression started while I was in Japan, things have been complicated. I've never really felt stable, like my life was in my hands. There are too many things out of my control and trying to regain that for myself feels like an impossible task. It feels at times like the whole world is conspiring against me to stop me regaining my sense of worth.
In the last few days of the Japan trip, things did improve somewhat between myself and my girlfriend. Perhaps it was because everything was out in the open...I don't know for sure. Our last day in Ishikawa, before flying to Tokyo, was a good one. We enjoyed a nice day out and were chatting and laughing like we used to, before this whole mess. We had sex that night, but it was followed by us sleeping in separate beds. I didn't know what to think, if it was a one off, a mistake that she'd regret in the morning, or was even regretting straight away. It left me confused and anxious. That wasn't the end of it however, and, over the next few nights, we were having sex regularly.
When we finally got back to England, I had to deal with the aftermath of everything that had happened. I wanted to be back together with my girlfriend, to forgive her for what she'd done and move on. It was a tough time. She agreed to give things a go, but I knew it wasn't going to be easy. On top of our relationship problems, there were other issues at play. I knew she had to go abroad again some time soon, as she couldn't work in England within the following 6 months without having to pay income tax on what she'd earned in Japan. This meant we limited time to try and patch things up, to reach a point where we could survive the coming distance. We were also living under the same roof, meaning that we were under each others feet constantly.
Overall, we made good progress. There were a lot of arguments at first, as I struggled to get my head around things and spoke to her about them, but we always seemed to come out of the other side better off and were rarely in a position where we didn't speak for long. Work was taking it's toll on me again and I would come home feeling depressed, stressed or angry. I know this wasn't pleasant for her, but she was supportive and I appreciated that. She made me feel like she cared, that I was wanted and that alone had a huge and positive impact on me. I went off work again after a few weeks, unable to cope with the demands of the job whilst dealing with everything else. It gave us more time together, which helped in some ways , although having no privacy or space from each other was difficult for us both. She'd told me she was no longer in contact with the guy in Japan and that made me feel better. Knowing he was out of the picture, I thought we could both move on and put it all behind us for good.
Just before leaving work, I did something stupid. While at home, I'd seen her log into her email account on her laptop. I wouldn't normally pry, but I found her password easy to remember, being the name of a friend at work. I hadn't meant to see this, it was not a deliberate act in any way, but it didn't leave my mind. After a particularly bad day, I logged into her emails at work and found that she was still in touch the man she'd cheated on me with. I remember spending the next half hour in a daze, pacing the room and having my emotions constantly switch between anger and sadness. Not only had she lied to me about it, but I felt, and still do feel, that her being in touch with him would only harm our chances of sorting things out for good. I couldn't understand why she would do that.
When I got home we argued over the matter. I told her what I'd done, that I was sorry for it and that she should change her password. I promised her I would not do it again and I meant it. I knew I was in the wrong for doing what I did, but it didn't change what I had discovered. He didn't know about me and that made me feel insecure, so I demanded that she tell him or I would. It didn't end well. She got really upset and I started feeling guilty, eventually backing down and just explaining that it had to stop, that she had to stop lying to me. Over the coming weeks, this issue came up over and over again. I couldn't stop thinking about him emailing her, wondering what he was saying, if she was being more affectionate with him than me.
Eventually we sat down and I poured my heart out to her over it. I explained that it felt she was still cheating on me, that it was a kick in the teeth when I was trying to recover from everything and make her happy. She seemed to understand and voluntarily promised me that she would tell him she was with me and stop the emails between them. She wouldn't tell him the truth, just that I was an ex and she was back together with me. I was happy with that, but I explained she needed to do it soon. She was leaving for her next job in November and I didn't feel able to cope with her being away from me and still in contact with him. That was only a few weeks away.
As the date of her leaving got nearer, I needed to know for sure that she had stopped and asked her about this. She told me she had, but I had doubts. When someone has lied to and deceived you before, I guess it's natural for it to take a while for the trust to really come back, no matter how much you want that to happen. I asked her to prove it, to allow me to believe her once and for all by showing me her emails and she agreed. The first account had one from him, but she hadn't replied. The second caused problems. She showed me a brief screen, but when I asked her to show me all the mails, she turned it off quickly. The truth then came out.
She said she hadn't told him about us, but had stopped mailing him for a couple of weeks. Over that time, he still kept emailing her and those mails were getting weirder, so she started writing to him again. Again, she had lied to me. We argued once more, an argument which ended with her reluctantly emailing him and telling him what she originally said she would. All I wanted was for her to keep her promise to me, but I know that it still hasn't ended.
I suppose this sounds like all we did was fight, but that isn't the case. The counselling I was receiving over this time helped us a lot. I spent a lot of time at the sessions discussing my relationship and how these events made me feel. The sessions helped me to see a bit more clearly what I needed, but also to consider what she thought about everything and how it made her feel. Despite all the problems, we did improve our relationship and before she left was feeling happy and more comfortable with us as a couple. There is still a lot of work to do, but I honestly feel like we have a chance. We've been doing a lot together and enjoying that time for the most part. It hasn't stopped the way I've been feeling, but it has allowed me to put aside, even for a few brief moments.
I dropped her off at Manchester airport for her flight two weeks ago. I was ok until she was gone but spent the rest of the day in tears. That was when I first emailed the guy in Japan. I'd promised my girlfriend I wouldn't tell him the truth about us and, thankfully, I didn't. I simply requested he speak to me and that he kept that between the two of us and didn't mention it to my girlfriend. He agreed and we had a brief discussion over several days. I asked him to stop emailing her, explaining that it was hurting me and harming our relationship. He refused. I queried him on several things, still not telling him the full story, but wanting him to understand, as much as possible, what it meant to me. I'm not sure I was as polite or friendly as I could have been, which is not surprising, but I do believe I managed to refrain from being aggressive or threatening. He shrugged it off and made it perfectly clear he wanted to know nothing about it and wasn't going to stop. So, I know she is still in touch with him, despite her knowing how much that hurts me.
She's phoned a few times since she left and those calls have always put me in a better mood. She's got problems of her own again...luggage going missing, then returned with several items stolen, including her laptop, so she's not emailed regularly. I've written several times a day to her. Even when I don't get a reply, it makes me feel like she's here, like I'm talking to her. I'm worried about her too, as I know she's not been happy after everything that went wrong with the trip. However, I'm starting to feel as if the distance is damaging us again. Her first few emails were more like the ones I used to get, before the affair. She called me "baby", she put kisses on them, told me that she was thinking of me. Once more, that has stopped. I've asked her about it and explained it reminds me of Japan. She says it's lack of time, but I can't help feeling that there's more to it, however much I tell myself it's due to her problems there. I don't think she understands how hard I'm finding it without her here and how much those little things mean to me right now. It hardly takes second to put an 'x' or two at the bottom of a mail and yet for me it's a confirmation that she cares. I can't explain how important that is.
It's her birthday today and I'm hoping she'll phone at some point. I haven't heard from her for four days now, but I was expecting that. She'd told me she might not be able to email until Friday when she'd be getting an Internet card from the company as a birthday present. There was still nothing yesterday however, but I'm trying to tell myself that she just hasn't got it yet. I fear though, that the guy from Japan has told her about me contacting him, that he's manipulating things and encouraging her to leave me. I don't know this for sure, it's probably just a fantasy, but that's the way it works with depression and it's hard to counter these thoughts when they enter your head.
I'm still off work. I did go back for 4 weeks, but soon reached a point where I was breaking down and crying several times a day. I told one of the senior managers about my condition, hoping for some help and support, but once I'd said everything, she couldn't even look me in the eye. She then placed a huge workload on me with unachievable deadlines. I'm officially due back in a week, but will be seeing my doctor on Thursday and she may be signing me off for a couple more months. My counsellor is backing that idea. I'm not sure what I'll do if that doesn't happen. I don't feel able to go back, knowing what I'll face if I do.
My girlfriend is coming home sooner than expected, only one week to go, but I can't get excited about it yet. I want her here with me and can't wait for that to happen, but I have so many doubts and questions running through my head. Most of all, I'm still upset and concerned about her ongoing emails to that guy. I want him gone from our lives.
I don't know what's going to happen from this point on. All I do know, is that I'm doing everything in my power to be the best person I can be for my girlfriend. I have several surprises for her when she returns and she'll be spending her days being treated like the princess she is. I only hope that she appreciates it.....and me.
In the last few days of the Japan trip, things did improve somewhat between myself and my girlfriend. Perhaps it was because everything was out in the open...I don't know for sure. Our last day in Ishikawa, before flying to Tokyo, was a good one. We enjoyed a nice day out and were chatting and laughing like we used to, before this whole mess. We had sex that night, but it was followed by us sleeping in separate beds. I didn't know what to think, if it was a one off, a mistake that she'd regret in the morning, or was even regretting straight away. It left me confused and anxious. That wasn't the end of it however, and, over the next few nights, we were having sex regularly.
When we finally got back to England, I had to deal with the aftermath of everything that had happened. I wanted to be back together with my girlfriend, to forgive her for what she'd done and move on. It was a tough time. She agreed to give things a go, but I knew it wasn't going to be easy. On top of our relationship problems, there were other issues at play. I knew she had to go abroad again some time soon, as she couldn't work in England within the following 6 months without having to pay income tax on what she'd earned in Japan. This meant we limited time to try and patch things up, to reach a point where we could survive the coming distance. We were also living under the same roof, meaning that we were under each others feet constantly.
Overall, we made good progress. There were a lot of arguments at first, as I struggled to get my head around things and spoke to her about them, but we always seemed to come out of the other side better off and were rarely in a position where we didn't speak for long. Work was taking it's toll on me again and I would come home feeling depressed, stressed or angry. I know this wasn't pleasant for her, but she was supportive and I appreciated that. She made me feel like she cared, that I was wanted and that alone had a huge and positive impact on me. I went off work again after a few weeks, unable to cope with the demands of the job whilst dealing with everything else. It gave us more time together, which helped in some ways , although having no privacy or space from each other was difficult for us both. She'd told me she was no longer in contact with the guy in Japan and that made me feel better. Knowing he was out of the picture, I thought we could both move on and put it all behind us for good.
Just before leaving work, I did something stupid. While at home, I'd seen her log into her email account on her laptop. I wouldn't normally pry, but I found her password easy to remember, being the name of a friend at work. I hadn't meant to see this, it was not a deliberate act in any way, but it didn't leave my mind. After a particularly bad day, I logged into her emails at work and found that she was still in touch the man she'd cheated on me with. I remember spending the next half hour in a daze, pacing the room and having my emotions constantly switch between anger and sadness. Not only had she lied to me about it, but I felt, and still do feel, that her being in touch with him would only harm our chances of sorting things out for good. I couldn't understand why she would do that.
When I got home we argued over the matter. I told her what I'd done, that I was sorry for it and that she should change her password. I promised her I would not do it again and I meant it. I knew I was in the wrong for doing what I did, but it didn't change what I had discovered. He didn't know about me and that made me feel insecure, so I demanded that she tell him or I would. It didn't end well. She got really upset and I started feeling guilty, eventually backing down and just explaining that it had to stop, that she had to stop lying to me. Over the coming weeks, this issue came up over and over again. I couldn't stop thinking about him emailing her, wondering what he was saying, if she was being more affectionate with him than me.
Eventually we sat down and I poured my heart out to her over it. I explained that it felt she was still cheating on me, that it was a kick in the teeth when I was trying to recover from everything and make her happy. She seemed to understand and voluntarily promised me that she would tell him she was with me and stop the emails between them. She wouldn't tell him the truth, just that I was an ex and she was back together with me. I was happy with that, but I explained she needed to do it soon. She was leaving for her next job in November and I didn't feel able to cope with her being away from me and still in contact with him. That was only a few weeks away.
As the date of her leaving got nearer, I needed to know for sure that she had stopped and asked her about this. She told me she had, but I had doubts. When someone has lied to and deceived you before, I guess it's natural for it to take a while for the trust to really come back, no matter how much you want that to happen. I asked her to prove it, to allow me to believe her once and for all by showing me her emails and she agreed. The first account had one from him, but she hadn't replied. The second caused problems. She showed me a brief screen, but when I asked her to show me all the mails, she turned it off quickly. The truth then came out.
She said she hadn't told him about us, but had stopped mailing him for a couple of weeks. Over that time, he still kept emailing her and those mails were getting weirder, so she started writing to him again. Again, she had lied to me. We argued once more, an argument which ended with her reluctantly emailing him and telling him what she originally said she would. All I wanted was for her to keep her promise to me, but I know that it still hasn't ended.
I suppose this sounds like all we did was fight, but that isn't the case. The counselling I was receiving over this time helped us a lot. I spent a lot of time at the sessions discussing my relationship and how these events made me feel. The sessions helped me to see a bit more clearly what I needed, but also to consider what she thought about everything and how it made her feel. Despite all the problems, we did improve our relationship and before she left was feeling happy and more comfortable with us as a couple. There is still a lot of work to do, but I honestly feel like we have a chance. We've been doing a lot together and enjoying that time for the most part. It hasn't stopped the way I've been feeling, but it has allowed me to put aside, even for a few brief moments.
I dropped her off at Manchester airport for her flight two weeks ago. I was ok until she was gone but spent the rest of the day in tears. That was when I first emailed the guy in Japan. I'd promised my girlfriend I wouldn't tell him the truth about us and, thankfully, I didn't. I simply requested he speak to me and that he kept that between the two of us and didn't mention it to my girlfriend. He agreed and we had a brief discussion over several days. I asked him to stop emailing her, explaining that it was hurting me and harming our relationship. He refused. I queried him on several things, still not telling him the full story, but wanting him to understand, as much as possible, what it meant to me. I'm not sure I was as polite or friendly as I could have been, which is not surprising, but I do believe I managed to refrain from being aggressive or threatening. He shrugged it off and made it perfectly clear he wanted to know nothing about it and wasn't going to stop. So, I know she is still in touch with him, despite her knowing how much that hurts me.
She's phoned a few times since she left and those calls have always put me in a better mood. She's got problems of her own again...luggage going missing, then returned with several items stolen, including her laptop, so she's not emailed regularly. I've written several times a day to her. Even when I don't get a reply, it makes me feel like she's here, like I'm talking to her. I'm worried about her too, as I know she's not been happy after everything that went wrong with the trip. However, I'm starting to feel as if the distance is damaging us again. Her first few emails were more like the ones I used to get, before the affair. She called me "baby", she put kisses on them, told me that she was thinking of me. Once more, that has stopped. I've asked her about it and explained it reminds me of Japan. She says it's lack of time, but I can't help feeling that there's more to it, however much I tell myself it's due to her problems there. I don't think she understands how hard I'm finding it without her here and how much those little things mean to me right now. It hardly takes second to put an 'x' or two at the bottom of a mail and yet for me it's a confirmation that she cares. I can't explain how important that is.
It's her birthday today and I'm hoping she'll phone at some point. I haven't heard from her for four days now, but I was expecting that. She'd told me she might not be able to email until Friday when she'd be getting an Internet card from the company as a birthday present. There was still nothing yesterday however, but I'm trying to tell myself that she just hasn't got it yet. I fear though, that the guy from Japan has told her about me contacting him, that he's manipulating things and encouraging her to leave me. I don't know this for sure, it's probably just a fantasy, but that's the way it works with depression and it's hard to counter these thoughts when they enter your head.
I'm still off work. I did go back for 4 weeks, but soon reached a point where I was breaking down and crying several times a day. I told one of the senior managers about my condition, hoping for some help and support, but once I'd said everything, she couldn't even look me in the eye. She then placed a huge workload on me with unachievable deadlines. I'm officially due back in a week, but will be seeing my doctor on Thursday and she may be signing me off for a couple more months. My counsellor is backing that idea. I'm not sure what I'll do if that doesn't happen. I don't feel able to go back, knowing what I'll face if I do.
My girlfriend is coming home sooner than expected, only one week to go, but I can't get excited about it yet. I want her here with me and can't wait for that to happen, but I have so many doubts and questions running through my head. Most of all, I'm still upset and concerned about her ongoing emails to that guy. I want him gone from our lives.
I don't know what's going to happen from this point on. All I do know, is that I'm doing everything in my power to be the best person I can be for my girlfriend. I have several surprises for her when she returns and she'll be spending her days being treated like the princess she is. I only hope that she appreciates it.....and me.
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