I had my weekly counselling session this afternoon. They're never easy, having to talk about the things that are most painful to me, but they do help. I often come away with more questions than answers, but I feel they're leading me in the right direction, to a place where things make sense.
My counsellor is a very nice man, quietly spoken and very unassuming. He doesn't tell me what to think, what's right or wrong about how I'm feeling. He listens and he asks questions.
We often cover the same subjects during these sessions. Not necessarily from the same angle, but the same notions and today was no exception. We talked a lot about how I was feeling at the moment and have been over the last week, what I was thinking about everything and about how hard I'm finding it to make sense of everything. I explained about my confusion over matters, that no matter what happens that makes me happy, I eventually start tearing it apart, seeing negatives everywhere and doubting what I see and hear. The only things I believe for certain at the moment are the bad things. Those, I know I can trust.
My girlfriend, as usual, was the main topic of conversation. I want to be able to trust her and believe what she tells me, but after all the lies and deception, I'm not sure what to think anymore. When she does something nice or thoughtful, I doubt her reasons for it. I get no feedback from her on how she feels about me, or our relationship, without asking for it and after the lies, I now find myself wondering if she's telling me the truth, or just what I want to hear. I can't see that changing until I know she's being honest with me and I don't know how to find out without asking her. Catch 22.
I think I mentioned before that I was planning on buying her a new laptop for her birthday. I'm not particularly well off and it would normally be beyond my price range to do that. I have some money coming in soon however, not a huge amount, just a few hundred. It's effectively a gift from my dad, a portion of his pension payout to my mum after his death. I was going to put it towards a new HD TV for myself, but had made up my mind about buying the laptop instead because I knew it would make my girlfriend happy. Now, I'm not so sure it's a good idea.
I still want to buy it her, I know that much, but I'm just full of doubts if it's a sensible thing to do. The first two reasons are purely selfish. Firstly, that she's stated she doesn't really want to go away again without one and, secondly, that if she used that to contact the guy in Japan, it would feel like a kick in the teeth. I couldn't cope with that.
There are other reason too, although they do somewhat relate to the above. My session got me thinking about all the things I do for her to make her happy, then what she does for me. If I'm honest about the way I feel, the answer to the latter is 'not a lot'. It doesn't seem like she gives my happiness much thought. She used to, but not anymore. I still feel that the guy in Japan is to blame for this, that because she's holding on to him her feelings for me are not developing. I still struggle to understand why she's continuing to contact him when I think it's clear to her that stopping that would make be the one thing she could for me that would make me very happy. It wouldn't solve all our problems in one go, but it's a huge step in the right direction. Ultimately, while she continues to email him, I won't feel that she's truly interested in me, in fixing our relationship.
I want to talk to her about this, find out if she genuinely does understand how it makes me feel. I don't want us to fight though and I know if I bring it up, it will make her mad. What else can I do but suffer in silence?
All this may pass once she's back, once I can pick up the visual clues as to how she feels. It's one of the problems of being apart, not being able see body language. Communication through emails is too impersonal...it's too easy to lie.
My counsellor is a very nice man, quietly spoken and very unassuming. He doesn't tell me what to think, what's right or wrong about how I'm feeling. He listens and he asks questions.
We often cover the same subjects during these sessions. Not necessarily from the same angle, but the same notions and today was no exception. We talked a lot about how I was feeling at the moment and have been over the last week, what I was thinking about everything and about how hard I'm finding it to make sense of everything. I explained about my confusion over matters, that no matter what happens that makes me happy, I eventually start tearing it apart, seeing negatives everywhere and doubting what I see and hear. The only things I believe for certain at the moment are the bad things. Those, I know I can trust.
My girlfriend, as usual, was the main topic of conversation. I want to be able to trust her and believe what she tells me, but after all the lies and deception, I'm not sure what to think anymore. When she does something nice or thoughtful, I doubt her reasons for it. I get no feedback from her on how she feels about me, or our relationship, without asking for it and after the lies, I now find myself wondering if she's telling me the truth, or just what I want to hear. I can't see that changing until I know she's being honest with me and I don't know how to find out without asking her. Catch 22.
I think I mentioned before that I was planning on buying her a new laptop for her birthday. I'm not particularly well off and it would normally be beyond my price range to do that. I have some money coming in soon however, not a huge amount, just a few hundred. It's effectively a gift from my dad, a portion of his pension payout to my mum after his death. I was going to put it towards a new HD TV for myself, but had made up my mind about buying the laptop instead because I knew it would make my girlfriend happy. Now, I'm not so sure it's a good idea.
I still want to buy it her, I know that much, but I'm just full of doubts if it's a sensible thing to do. The first two reasons are purely selfish. Firstly, that she's stated she doesn't really want to go away again without one and, secondly, that if she used that to contact the guy in Japan, it would feel like a kick in the teeth. I couldn't cope with that.
There are other reason too, although they do somewhat relate to the above. My session got me thinking about all the things I do for her to make her happy, then what she does for me. If I'm honest about the way I feel, the answer to the latter is 'not a lot'. It doesn't seem like she gives my happiness much thought. She used to, but not anymore. I still feel that the guy in Japan is to blame for this, that because she's holding on to him her feelings for me are not developing. I still struggle to understand why she's continuing to contact him when I think it's clear to her that stopping that would make be the one thing she could for me that would make me very happy. It wouldn't solve all our problems in one go, but it's a huge step in the right direction. Ultimately, while she continues to email him, I won't feel that she's truly interested in me, in fixing our relationship.
I want to talk to her about this, find out if she genuinely does understand how it makes me feel. I don't want us to fight though and I know if I bring it up, it will make her mad. What else can I do but suffer in silence?
All this may pass once she's back, once I can pick up the visual clues as to how she feels. It's one of the problems of being apart, not being able see body language. Communication through emails is too impersonal...it's too easy to lie.
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