I've been thinking about Christmas a lot this evening. It may still be a few weeks away, but I'm dreading it already. I don't usually get excited about Christmas, I'm not religious in the slightest and huge family 'get togethers' have never really appealed. This year however, rather than the usual passive feelings I have, I just don't want it to happen.
It's the first Christmas since my father died and I know it's going to be hard. Not just on me, but on my entire family, especially my mother. She's going to need everyone around her and I'll have to visit on the day. I don't begrudge that, but I don't want to go through it either.
I've mentioned before about being the eldest and how I feel responsible in that position. I feel I need to hold myself together and get through the day being strong for my mum. She's going to be upset, we all will be, but with my current problems on top, I fear that I won't be able to cope with what the day throws at me.
I'm hoping my girlfriend will be at my side. That would make it easier, knowing there was a shoulder I feel I could cry on if needed. We've not spoken about it in depth yet, but I have mentioned to her before that I need to be with my family and I want her to be there with me. I don't know how she feels about it yet, but I hope she'll agree. She not sociable and I know she'd prefer not to go regardless of the circumstance. What I'd like, is for her to put her feelings aside and come along for me, to be there for me, however uncomfortable she may feel about it.
For all I know, she could have that plan already and I'm not about to jump to conclusions at this point, not on this subject. If the time comes and she decides not to come, I'll go anyway, I have to. I'd be disappointed though. Disappointed and hurt.
I've not heard from her today, I've no idea why. The cruise ship she's on has a web cam, which I look at occasionally to see where she is. It makes me feel a little closer to her while she's gone and, knowing that she suffers from sea sickness, I do worry about her when the ship isn't docked. It's still quite early in the evening there now, maybe 7.30pm to my 11.30pm and I expect I'll be up a while longer in the hope that she'll write. She may not have had a chance during the day and I do sometimes get emails around 1am from her. I miss it when I don't hear from her though. The emails, however much I've criticised in previous posts, do cheer me up and I sleep better having read them. When I don't hear from her, I find it hard to settle, checking my mails at least once an hour to see if she's sent anything. I'm trying not to let the thoughts into my head. I'm telling myself she just hasn't had a chance to write, probably due to no Internet access or her sea sickness. It doesn't help much, but it's all I have. I miss her badly enough when she does write. When she doesn't, it feels unbearable.
It's the first Christmas since my father died and I know it's going to be hard. Not just on me, but on my entire family, especially my mother. She's going to need everyone around her and I'll have to visit on the day. I don't begrudge that, but I don't want to go through it either.
I've mentioned before about being the eldest and how I feel responsible in that position. I feel I need to hold myself together and get through the day being strong for my mum. She's going to be upset, we all will be, but with my current problems on top, I fear that I won't be able to cope with what the day throws at me.
I'm hoping my girlfriend will be at my side. That would make it easier, knowing there was a shoulder I feel I could cry on if needed. We've not spoken about it in depth yet, but I have mentioned to her before that I need to be with my family and I want her to be there with me. I don't know how she feels about it yet, but I hope she'll agree. She not sociable and I know she'd prefer not to go regardless of the circumstance. What I'd like, is for her to put her feelings aside and come along for me, to be there for me, however uncomfortable she may feel about it.
For all I know, she could have that plan already and I'm not about to jump to conclusions at this point, not on this subject. If the time comes and she decides not to come, I'll go anyway, I have to. I'd be disappointed though. Disappointed and hurt.
I've not heard from her today, I've no idea why. The cruise ship she's on has a web cam, which I look at occasionally to see where she is. It makes me feel a little closer to her while she's gone and, knowing that she suffers from sea sickness, I do worry about her when the ship isn't docked. It's still quite early in the evening there now, maybe 7.30pm to my 11.30pm and I expect I'll be up a while longer in the hope that she'll write. She may not have had a chance during the day and I do sometimes get emails around 1am from her. I miss it when I don't hear from her though. The emails, however much I've criticised in previous posts, do cheer me up and I sleep better having read them. When I don't hear from her, I find it hard to settle, checking my mails at least once an hour to see if she's sent anything. I'm trying not to let the thoughts into my head. I'm telling myself she just hasn't had a chance to write, probably due to no Internet access or her sea sickness. It doesn't help much, but it's all I have. I miss her badly enough when she does write. When she doesn't, it feels unbearable.
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