I've heard from my girlfriend a few times since she phoned at the weekend. She seems to have more Internet time now and I get at least one detailed email per day, sometimes more.
Now, there's nothing wrong with the emails she's sending. She tells me about what she's doing, asks me about things back here, she's even putting kisses to the end of every one. So, why do I not feel happy or satisfied with that? I'm happy that she's writing, I can't doubt that, and the kisses do put a smile on my face, however briefly. Something just doesn't feel right however...doesn't feel natural.
There's something about her mails that make me feel that she isn't happy, or that she's forcing these out with little thought for me. I'm probably wrong, hopefully wrong, but it's as if she's going through the motions to make me happy, without actually being interested in whether I'm happy or not. Part of me feels that she's covering the bases quickly, in order to have more time emailing the guy in Japan. I know this is unfair and I feel awful for thinking it. Perhaps it's the format of the emails that concerns me. She discusses a lot throughout them, but it's all so brief. Short, one or two line, paragraphs before starting on another topic with the same lack of detail or description. They run like a check list of things to say, rather than being written out of any interest or desire.
I am grateful to her for writing, even if it doesn't sound that way. She has put some wonderful thoughts in her mails, such as the idea of us having a belated birthday celebration together when she gets back (my birthday is a week to the day before hers). I suppose it's just with my state of mind at the moment that I always want more. It's the long term goals that do this. I want to hear that she loves me and that she misses me. She probably does miss me, just not in the way I want, not with the emotion I want. I realise it's too early for that from her perspective and that's OK...it's just not easy.
I don't like the doubts I have over her reasons for writing, I don't even want to trust them, but they are there. I hope they'll go away when she's with me again. It's a lot easier to read if someone is being genuine when they're face to face with you and I've always relied on that a lot when dealing with people. Emails will never be an ideal way to communicate with the one you love, especially when you're recovering from having your trust in them shattered.
I will keep telling myself that she's just rushed when online. She is paying for it on a basis of time after all and I doubt she wants to spend more than is necessary, especially when what little she has will have to last the rest of the week. I have to remind myself not to be selfish too, that she has friends and relatives to contact. When she returns, I'll have enough of her time, so I should allow some to others now.
Now, there's nothing wrong with the emails she's sending. She tells me about what she's doing, asks me about things back here, she's even putting kisses to the end of every one. So, why do I not feel happy or satisfied with that? I'm happy that she's writing, I can't doubt that, and the kisses do put a smile on my face, however briefly. Something just doesn't feel right however...doesn't feel natural.
There's something about her mails that make me feel that she isn't happy, or that she's forcing these out with little thought for me. I'm probably wrong, hopefully wrong, but it's as if she's going through the motions to make me happy, without actually being interested in whether I'm happy or not. Part of me feels that she's covering the bases quickly, in order to have more time emailing the guy in Japan. I know this is unfair and I feel awful for thinking it. Perhaps it's the format of the emails that concerns me. She discusses a lot throughout them, but it's all so brief. Short, one or two line, paragraphs before starting on another topic with the same lack of detail or description. They run like a check list of things to say, rather than being written out of any interest or desire.
I am grateful to her for writing, even if it doesn't sound that way. She has put some wonderful thoughts in her mails, such as the idea of us having a belated birthday celebration together when she gets back (my birthday is a week to the day before hers). I suppose it's just with my state of mind at the moment that I always want more. It's the long term goals that do this. I want to hear that she loves me and that she misses me. She probably does miss me, just not in the way I want, not with the emotion I want. I realise it's too early for that from her perspective and that's OK...it's just not easy.
I don't like the doubts I have over her reasons for writing, I don't even want to trust them, but they are there. I hope they'll go away when she's with me again. It's a lot easier to read if someone is being genuine when they're face to face with you and I've always relied on that a lot when dealing with people. Emails will never be an ideal way to communicate with the one you love, especially when you're recovering from having your trust in them shattered.
I will keep telling myself that she's just rushed when online. She is paying for it on a basis of time after all and I doubt she wants to spend more than is necessary, especially when what little she has will have to last the rest of the week. I have to remind myself not to be selfish too, that she has friends and relatives to contact. When she returns, I'll have enough of her time, so I should allow some to others now.
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