It's an hour and a half until I set off to pick up my girlfriend. I should be happy, glad that she'll be back with me, but in truth I've been awake most of the night crying and am finding it hard to stop even now.
I'm feeling very anxious. I don't know what's going to happen when I see her, if she'll be pleased to see me or distant like she was when I met her Japan. I'm also struggling with my feelings that she doesn't care. I feel surrounded by darkness and it scares me more than I can describe. The only light I had to guide me out of this seems to be vanishing and I'm afraid that it will soon disappear.
I need to know the truth as to whether she cares anything for me or not, whether she has any respect left for me and if she is serious about trying to fix things between us. I can't go on feeling that she's only telling me what I want to hear, the doubt are going to destroy what's left of me. I already feel that the main areas of my life are out of my control and now I feel that what control I have over myself, who I am, is rapidly vanishing too.
I can only pray at this point that I feel better when I see her, that she does greet me with warmth and caring, that I do mean something to her and that I see that in her eyes. If I still feel as I do now by the end of the day, I'm afraid I'll have to talk to her about all of this, about my feelings. I suspect that will lead to her getting angry, which won't help the way I feel. I don't want to cause an argument between us, but I can't go on any longer with this eating me away from the inside. I also believe at the moment that, if we do argue, she'll tell me what I don't want to hear, that everything I've been trying to do for her, everything I have done, has been a waste of time. That she thinks I'm worthless.
I hope I'm wrong as I feel I'm clutching to my last chance of saving myself...
I'm feeling very anxious. I don't know what's going to happen when I see her, if she'll be pleased to see me or distant like she was when I met her Japan. I'm also struggling with my feelings that she doesn't care. I feel surrounded by darkness and it scares me more than I can describe. The only light I had to guide me out of this seems to be vanishing and I'm afraid that it will soon disappear.
I need to know the truth as to whether she cares anything for me or not, whether she has any respect left for me and if she is serious about trying to fix things between us. I can't go on feeling that she's only telling me what I want to hear, the doubt are going to destroy what's left of me. I already feel that the main areas of my life are out of my control and now I feel that what control I have over myself, who I am, is rapidly vanishing too.
I can only pray at this point that I feel better when I see her, that she does greet me with warmth and caring, that I do mean something to her and that I see that in her eyes. If I still feel as I do now by the end of the day, I'm afraid I'll have to talk to her about all of this, about my feelings. I suspect that will lead to her getting angry, which won't help the way I feel. I don't want to cause an argument between us, but I can't go on any longer with this eating me away from the inside. I also believe at the moment that, if we do argue, she'll tell me what I don't want to hear, that everything I've been trying to do for her, everything I have done, has been a waste of time. That she thinks I'm worthless.
I hope I'm wrong as I feel I'm clutching to my last chance of saving myself...
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