For the sake of completion, and to round off the history side of things, I felt it would help to write a bit about the individual people and items in my life that have contributed to my state of mind. The most obvious place to start with this is my girlfriend.
I guess that anyone reading this so far would wonder why I'm still with her after everything that's happened. I don't have simple explanation for this. I do wonder, at times, if I would be better off without her but despite all she's done, I love her with all my heart.
She is a wonderful person, I mean that in all honesty. She's not without faults, but she's certainly the first partner I've had for whom I can look past those, even appreciate and love them.
She's possibly the laziest person I know, never more at home than when she's lounging on the sofa with the TV on, but she also has a poetic and creative streak that never ceases to surprise me. She's constantly coming up with ideas...TV shows to write, items to make and some very 'off the wall' money making ideas. They may not often come to fruition, but I enjoy hearing about them and the passion she employs for each. Perhaps because of this, she also serves as a huge inspiration to me. She motivates me to do things, to enjoy myself, to do things I wouldn't normally consider and I enjoy that.
She loves being pampered and I, in turn, love pampering her. I'm not just saying that. I get genuine pleasure from doing things for her and making her happy. I know she appreciates it and it makes her content. It's at these times that she comes into her own. She's sweet and affectionate, but not afraid to come to me when she wants some attention herself. I've often turned around while at my computer to find her on her knees next to me, rubbing against my chair like a kitten, softly whimpering that she wants me to cuddle up to her. I don't find it annoying at all, I find it comforting. It makes me feel wanted and I miss that when she's not around.
She pampers me too, although I sometimes wonder if she enjoys inflicting pain a little too much as she does things like taking care of ingrowing hairs on my legs and stomach. She enjoys doing things like that and I enjoy the attention she gives me during it.
It should go without saying that I find her to be both incredibly beautiful and sexy. When we curl up next to each other, it feels like our bodies just fit together naturally, it feels right. She often surprises me by appearing out of nowhere, throwing herself on top of me and holding me tight, kissing me passionately. When that happens, I can feel on a high for hours.
She makes me laugh too, sometimes in the things she says, sometimes what she does. On occasion it's because she's laughing at me, but that's never meant nastily. We can insult each other and not take it to heart, but jokingly, as it was intended. She's often in hysterics when I make an impulsive dig at her and I'm glad she takes it that way, the house is a much nicer place to be when she's laughing.
I don't think I can really do justice in these words to who she is, or what she means to me. She gives me strength and support, shows me affection when I need it and helps me break from routine. She's done so much for me, not because she had to, but because she wanted to. Things may not be that perfect now, but I still believe in her and that she will be like that again. I know she feels that she isn't helping me at the moment, that she doesn't know how to. She's wrong. The little things matter...her being here matters. Just being herself around me helps me get through the day. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. She's always in my thoughts and even when I'm suffering myself, my main concern has always been to make sure she's ok, that she's happy. That will never change. I want to be a part of her life, for her to be a part of mine, for us to grow old together and have a family.
I guess that anyone reading this so far would wonder why I'm still with her after everything that's happened. I don't have simple explanation for this. I do wonder, at times, if I would be better off without her but despite all she's done, I love her with all my heart.
She is a wonderful person, I mean that in all honesty. She's not without faults, but she's certainly the first partner I've had for whom I can look past those, even appreciate and love them.
She's possibly the laziest person I know, never more at home than when she's lounging on the sofa with the TV on, but she also has a poetic and creative streak that never ceases to surprise me. She's constantly coming up with ideas...TV shows to write, items to make and some very 'off the wall' money making ideas. They may not often come to fruition, but I enjoy hearing about them and the passion she employs for each. Perhaps because of this, she also serves as a huge inspiration to me. She motivates me to do things, to enjoy myself, to do things I wouldn't normally consider and I enjoy that.
She loves being pampered and I, in turn, love pampering her. I'm not just saying that. I get genuine pleasure from doing things for her and making her happy. I know she appreciates it and it makes her content. It's at these times that she comes into her own. She's sweet and affectionate, but not afraid to come to me when she wants some attention herself. I've often turned around while at my computer to find her on her knees next to me, rubbing against my chair like a kitten, softly whimpering that she wants me to cuddle up to her. I don't find it annoying at all, I find it comforting. It makes me feel wanted and I miss that when she's not around.
She pampers me too, although I sometimes wonder if she enjoys inflicting pain a little too much as she does things like taking care of ingrowing hairs on my legs and stomach. She enjoys doing things like that and I enjoy the attention she gives me during it.
It should go without saying that I find her to be both incredibly beautiful and sexy. When we curl up next to each other, it feels like our bodies just fit together naturally, it feels right. She often surprises me by appearing out of nowhere, throwing herself on top of me and holding me tight, kissing me passionately. When that happens, I can feel on a high for hours.
She makes me laugh too, sometimes in the things she says, sometimes what she does. On occasion it's because she's laughing at me, but that's never meant nastily. We can insult each other and not take it to heart, but jokingly, as it was intended. She's often in hysterics when I make an impulsive dig at her and I'm glad she takes it that way, the house is a much nicer place to be when she's laughing.
I don't think I can really do justice in these words to who she is, or what she means to me. She gives me strength and support, shows me affection when I need it and helps me break from routine. She's done so much for me, not because she had to, but because she wanted to. Things may not be that perfect now, but I still believe in her and that she will be like that again. I know she feels that she isn't helping me at the moment, that she doesn't know how to. She's wrong. The little things matter...her being here matters. Just being herself around me helps me get through the day. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. She's always in my thoughts and even when I'm suffering myself, my main concern has always been to make sure she's ok, that she's happy. That will never change. I want to be a part of her life, for her to be a part of mine, for us to grow old together and have a family.
I can't hate her for what she's done. It would be easier if I could. Even when we argue and I get mad at her, it doesn't last for long. I only have to look in her eyes for it to calm me down. She soothes me, brings out the best in me and for that, I am forever grateful to her. I want her to know how much she means to me, but I've never really been sure I get that across effectively. She doesn't understand why I still love her after everything she did and I think that makes her feel somewhat guilty. Perhaps she should feel that way, but I don't want her to. I just want her to understand that, regardless of whether she believes I should or shouldn't still love her, I do, and that's all that matters.
There's not a thing about her I'd change, that would be changing who she is and who I love. I know that, in time, the lies will end and she'll concentrate on my feelings as much as her own. I only wish that, while I'm waiting for that to happen, she'd stop contacting the guy in Japan. Maybe then, given some time, she'll finally be able to tell me what I want more than anything else...for her to tell me that she loves me.
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