Only half an hour until I go now.
I've done all I can to make her return a happy one. I've got the Sunday papers she reads, snacks and a drink she likes in the car. I've decorated the bathroom and landing/stairs for her, have a welcome home present sat on the sofa and the house is spotless. I've stocked up on food and drink she likes for the next week and she'll be having a huge steak cooked for her tonight. I still don't feel it's enough.
I'm now feeling terrified of setting off. I want to see her again so badly, but I'm so scared of what the future might bring. I've spent the last year and a half dreaming of my future with her and now I'm at a point where I can see that genuinely falling apart. To face the prospect of seeing your dreams destroyed before your eyes is something I never dreamed I'd go through and if I could find a way to avoid having to face that, I would.
I've never needed a hug as badly as I do now, just someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I doubt I'd believe it, but it would help, just a little, and that's all I need right now. To live without hope feels like dying inside, you lose all sense of who you are, your identity and value as a person, stripped away to nothingness. I don't know whether all this hinges on her or not, maybe it's just in my head that it does. It really doesn't matter however, as my head is where I'm fighting what feels to be a losing battle.
I probably shouldn't even be considering driving in my current state, but I have no choice. I can't leave her waiting at the airport, I don't want to leave her waiting there. I'm fed up of the contradictions in my head though...I want her home as soon as possible, but I want to delay it in case things go wrong.
I'm back to questioning my sense of worth again, my life as it is now. Do I really want to go on? I feel like the last piece of who I am is within my girlfriends palm and some point soon she'll either allow it grow again, or crush it.
Time's up, got to go...
I've done all I can to make her return a happy one. I've got the Sunday papers she reads, snacks and a drink she likes in the car. I've decorated the bathroom and landing/stairs for her, have a welcome home present sat on the sofa and the house is spotless. I've stocked up on food and drink she likes for the next week and she'll be having a huge steak cooked for her tonight. I still don't feel it's enough.
I'm now feeling terrified of setting off. I want to see her again so badly, but I'm so scared of what the future might bring. I've spent the last year and a half dreaming of my future with her and now I'm at a point where I can see that genuinely falling apart. To face the prospect of seeing your dreams destroyed before your eyes is something I never dreamed I'd go through and if I could find a way to avoid having to face that, I would.
I've never needed a hug as badly as I do now, just someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I doubt I'd believe it, but it would help, just a little, and that's all I need right now. To live without hope feels like dying inside, you lose all sense of who you are, your identity and value as a person, stripped away to nothingness. I don't know whether all this hinges on her or not, maybe it's just in my head that it does. It really doesn't matter however, as my head is where I'm fighting what feels to be a losing battle.
I probably shouldn't even be considering driving in my current state, but I have no choice. I can't leave her waiting at the airport, I don't want to leave her waiting there. I'm fed up of the contradictions in my head though...I want her home as soon as possible, but I want to delay it in case things go wrong.
I'm back to questioning my sense of worth again, my life as it is now. Do I really want to go on? I feel like the last piece of who I am is within my girlfriends palm and some point soon she'll either allow it grow again, or crush it.
Time's up, got to go...
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