I haven't posted for a few days now and I expect these occasions to be a bit sparse in the coming weeks. Since my girlfriend came home, I get very little time alone on the pc with it being in the living room and I'm not ready for her to know about this yet. She currently upstairs, but I'll come to that in a while.
Things have been good since the last time I wrote, I've even managed to go the last 8 days without a cigarette, possibly the longest any of my quitting attempts has lasted. I think that being off work, and hence avoiding the associated stress, has helped with this. Whether or not it will last remains to be seen, but so far, so good.
I spoke with my girlfriend a few days ago about all the issues I was struggling with. She didn't make me any promises about anything, but did seem to listen and understand. I told her in detail about how the depression was making me feel and of all the negative thoughts and doubts that enter my head. I told her that I'd contacted the guy in Japan and how it was making me feel with her still in touch with him. I told her about my plans to buy her a laptop, how she could help me fight my current battle and what it would mean to me if she did.
It felt positive overall. She didn't get angry like I was expecting and I truly got the sense that she was there for me and that, somewhere, she realised just how much she was hurting me. We talked for a long time, at least 2 hours, and we were both tired by the end. It was a good feeling coming out of that the same way as we went into it however...in each others arms.
Now, I'm not sure if anything changed, if she really listened. We argued earlier, well sort of at least. I'm not sure what it was to be honest. She claims I said something in a nasty way and if I did, which I don't recall, it wasn't intentional on my part. Afterwards, she was acting moody and I thought it was an act she sometimes puts on, so I was being playful until she snapped at me, calling me something hurtful. I left the room for a while in tears before coming back and taking my mind of it at the computer. After an hour or so, I started getting upset again and went upstairs to lay on the bed. I was there over an hour, crying on and off. She never said anything to me, never checking if I was ok.
When I came downstairs, she was happily emailing someone and, I have to admit, I got a bit frustrated and snapped at her as I'd left my mouse charging. I tried to talk to her after that, but it hasn't gone well. It's my fault, as usual, and she won't consider the fact that she's hurt me again or that maybe it would have been nice for her to apologise first for a change. Whenever we argue, it's always me that has to initiate an apology, even though, half the time, I don't know what the argument was about or why she got upset. It seems like it's always me putting in the thought.
I mentioned that to her just now and got a very snide reaction that she "did think about me". There was practically a sneer on her face when she said it, which was both upsetting and alarming to see. She claims she meant nothing by it, but no-one says something that way without an underlying meaning.
So, now she's upstairs at my request so I could write this. She'll be back down soon and I don't know what she'll say, if anything. I suspect we'll be in silence all night, or at least most of it. I want a smoke more now than anytime in the last 8 days but, most of all, I want her to appreciate how she's making me feel for once. I won't hold my breath.
Things have been good since the last time I wrote, I've even managed to go the last 8 days without a cigarette, possibly the longest any of my quitting attempts has lasted. I think that being off work, and hence avoiding the associated stress, has helped with this. Whether or not it will last remains to be seen, but so far, so good.
I spoke with my girlfriend a few days ago about all the issues I was struggling with. She didn't make me any promises about anything, but did seem to listen and understand. I told her in detail about how the depression was making me feel and of all the negative thoughts and doubts that enter my head. I told her that I'd contacted the guy in Japan and how it was making me feel with her still in touch with him. I told her about my plans to buy her a laptop, how she could help me fight my current battle and what it would mean to me if she did.
It felt positive overall. She didn't get angry like I was expecting and I truly got the sense that she was there for me and that, somewhere, she realised just how much she was hurting me. We talked for a long time, at least 2 hours, and we were both tired by the end. It was a good feeling coming out of that the same way as we went into it however...in each others arms.
Now, I'm not sure if anything changed, if she really listened. We argued earlier, well sort of at least. I'm not sure what it was to be honest. She claims I said something in a nasty way and if I did, which I don't recall, it wasn't intentional on my part. Afterwards, she was acting moody and I thought it was an act she sometimes puts on, so I was being playful until she snapped at me, calling me something hurtful. I left the room for a while in tears before coming back and taking my mind of it at the computer. After an hour or so, I started getting upset again and went upstairs to lay on the bed. I was there over an hour, crying on and off. She never said anything to me, never checking if I was ok.
When I came downstairs, she was happily emailing someone and, I have to admit, I got a bit frustrated and snapped at her as I'd left my mouse charging. I tried to talk to her after that, but it hasn't gone well. It's my fault, as usual, and she won't consider the fact that she's hurt me again or that maybe it would have been nice for her to apologise first for a change. Whenever we argue, it's always me that has to initiate an apology, even though, half the time, I don't know what the argument was about or why she got upset. It seems like it's always me putting in the thought.
I mentioned that to her just now and got a very snide reaction that she "did think about me". There was practically a sneer on her face when she said it, which was both upsetting and alarming to see. She claims she meant nothing by it, but no-one says something that way without an underlying meaning.
So, now she's upstairs at my request so I could write this. She'll be back down soon and I don't know what she'll say, if anything. I suspect we'll be in silence all night, or at least most of it. I want a smoke more now than anytime in the last 8 days but, most of all, I want her to appreciate how she's making me feel for once. I won't hold my breath.
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